Pregnancy is No Longer Taboo for US Teens

An alarming new report issued by U.S. National Center for Health Statistics shows that 40 percent of unmarried teens are having sex and some are hoping they will become parents as a result.

It appears the taboo of teen pregnancy is waning, much like the stigma of debt and online nudie pics. This caught the attention of the editors of Bloomberg Businessweek who published an article on this report and made a very valid point about this trend in terms of the economic impact to this next generation:

"One of the great success stories of the past two decades has been the extraordinary declines in teen pregnancy and childbearing," said Bill Albert, chief program officer at the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy. "This progress has recently stalled out."

Perhaps more surprisingly, one in five teen girls and one in four teen boys who had had sex said they would be pleased if they or their partner got pregnant.

"This is really quite alarming," Albert said. "I don't think it takes a Ph.D. to understand that in this day and age and in this economy the route to success doesn't begin with a family at age 16."

Flickr Photo by Jessie Romaneix (CC)

Post Natal Depression Suffered by Men Too

We’ve all heard about, or have witnessed in our own families, the devastating effects of post natal depression on women and their children. Now, a statistical review of previous studies conducted by researchers at Eastern Virginia Medical School has revealed that some men experience post natal depression too. A recent article in the Wall Street Journal noted that:

Some 10.4% of fathers experience depression during the postpartum period, the analysis showed. In the general population, 4.8% of men are believed depressed at any given point in time, according to government data.

For women, the rate of postpartum depression was estimated at nearly 24%, according to the new analysis, which was published Tuesday in JAMA, the Journal of the American Medical Association.

"When we look at the impact on families and children [of depression in new fathers], this is a public-health problem that goes beyond the individual," said James Paulson, a child clinical psychologist and pediatrics professor at Eastern Virginia and the first author on the paper.

The reasons for paternal postpartum depression are likely similar to those that contribute to the condition in mothers, including sleep deprivation, stress in the parents' relationship and isolation from friends, Dr. Paulson said.

Though the reasons for the depression may be the same for men and women, women are more likely to feel sad and internalize the guilt and pain, where as “depressed men are more likely to exhibit hostility and even aggression.”

The authors of this review are hoping that both men and women seek help for these symptoms as depression in one partner can trigger depression in the other. Maybe if we can recognize that parenthood is not all sweetness and light and acknowledge the challenges more parents will find the help they need.

Flickr Photo by ChrisGoldNY

Testing the Personality Theory

In Two Is Enough I suggested that certain personality types may be more likely to remain childless by choice. My theory is that Introverts and those that are Myers-Briggs Thinker and Judger types might be more predisposed or inclined to challenge the assumption of parenthood and embrace a childfree life.

The members of Goodreads.com The Childfree Life book club are testing this theory in the discussion thread and are posting their types. The majority who have posted their types after taking a Carl Jung and Isabel Myers-Briggs topology personality test are reporting they are T/J’s (Thinkers/Judgers) and most are introverts as defined by this test.

How about you? Are you childless by choice? If so, click on the link above and take a few minutes to do the test and post your type here. We’ll see if the theory proves out.

Do Kids Make Women Happier?

This was the title of a segment featured on the TODAY show, which acknowledged that more women are admitting to being unhappy and frustrated because they feel overburdened and overstressed. With or without children, 40 percent of women in the United States are now finding themselves in the breadwinner role. In this economic climate, job security is uncertain. The pressures to fill the coffers and fill multiple roles and juggle multiple tasks are taking their toll on women’s happiness.

What some women thought would bring them happiness—money, the fancy home, and children—fail to deliver. The Today show reported what many studies have shown—that parents report lower levels of happiness than nonparents. The experts featured in this segment confirmed that women’s happiness is not tied directly to having children. It is tied to finding happiness in all aspects of their being. Often that means looking for happiness outside of the confines of the mother role, or asking for help when you need it.

A Parent’s Perspective

Most of the emails I get through the Childless by Choice Project website are from childfree by choice folks or those who are still undecided but occasionally I will get a email from a parent. One such email from a woman named Stella really struck me as wise and true and so I asked her if I could share a bit of it with you. Here is what she wrote:

I stumbled by your site and I just wanted to let you know that I was so pleased that there are people out there who can promote positive values regarding parenting. It is right that parenting is not and should not be regarded as an obligation. I have two children even though I had planned never to have any children by myself. I never loved children nor did I hate them but my husband urged me to do so because he could not envisage a marriage without children and he also had to prove to his friends that he is man enough as per our African culture. Now I am divorced and I have them all to myself.

I love them deeply and now I can not imagine what my life would be without them. On the other hand, if my reality was that I did not have children, I would also chart a different course for it based on my circumstances. Bottom line is that if one has strong values about being true to themselves, they need to stand by the choice they make. Those who choose to become parents should devote themselves to the task while those who choose not to should also be understood.

Flickr Photo by mrhayata (cc)

Not Having Kids is NOT the Best Thing I have Ever Done

I recently granted an interview with Tessa Cunningham, a correspondent of the Daily Mail, a major newspaper in the UK. She had read my book Two Is Enough and wanted to know some of my personal story and what brought me to write this book. All well and good, except for the fact that she failed to tell me that the result of this interview would be first person article ghost written by Ms. Cunningham titled “Friends call me selfish—but not having kids is the best thing I’ve ever done.”

This title sounded like a direct quote but the problem is I did not, and would never say “not having kids is the best thing I’ve ever done.” There were many other things attributed to me that were not said during our interview and the quotes Ms Cunningham lifted from interviews in the book were also paraphrased in ways which could be misleading. Some assumptions were made about interviewees that were frankly wrong. A simple fact check prior to publishing the article might have solved this but I was never contacted for a fact check so these assumptions and misrepresentations were left unchecked and uncorrected.

What really upset me was that the weekend that she documented in this article--where my friend Marie (mother of three children) called me selfish, followed by golf and an Italian meal, never happened. In fact I do not have a friend named Marie. It’s true that I told Ms. Cunningham that couples who choose to remain childless are often considered selfish by friends and others who do not understand the true motives for intentional childlessness, however this article made it appear that we remain childless primarily because we love our careers and our lavish and glamorous lifestyle and we think our lot is better than that of parents. That is not true. I simply told her that one of the most compelling motives for remaining childless by choice is because we like our lives as they are and we don’t believe our lives would be enhanced by the presence of biological children.

I also said that women who remain childless often experience a higher level of marital satisfaction than do mothers of small children (a fact supported by studies other than mine). I did say that I had a career that involved a lot of overnight travel. However, career considerations were not the primary reason for my decision to remain childless. I told her my lack of desire for biological children was the primary motivator for me.

According to my survey, most women do not choose to remain childless primarily because of their careers. Some people really want children and find that children do enhance their life experience, some people do not. There is no good or bad decision here. No one is right or wrong. You make your choices and you live with them. There are downsides to living childless by choice (social isolation and stigma) which I did share with Ms. Cunningham and in my book but these downsides did not make it to the article. What did make it in the article would lead people to believe that the childless by choice think that parenthood is drudgery, and unfulfilling for all, including parents. And that the childless by choice lifestyle is all fun-filled weekends and high-powered careers.

I don’t know if that is your life, but it certainly isn’t mine.

Marie Claire Magazine Challenges Parenthood Myths

A few months a go I spent an hour talking to Abigail Pesta, an editor with Marie Claire Magazine about the things I learned in the course of researching and writing Two Is Enough: A Couple’s Guide to Living Childless by Choice.

The result is a article titled “To Breed or Not to Breed” in the current October issue of Marie Claire Magazine, where we challenge some of the common myths about parenthood.

It is a fun and lighthearted look at the myths that often impact our decision making. Myths like:

• All women have the maternal instinct.
• A baby with strengthen the marriage.
• You’ll regret not having kids.

See page 95 in October’s issue or click on the link above to see how I respond to these. How would you respond?