To What Degree Does Childhood Abuse or Trauma Influence the Childfree Choice?

Danielle Corcione, writing for Hellogiggles.com, recently posted an article on her wish to remain childfree titled:

I want to be childfree because I'm still working through my own childhood trauma — and I don't think I'm alone

Yes, apparently she is not alone! As soon as I posted this article on my Two is Enough FB pages a flurry of comments followed; people citing parenthood neglect, abuse, school bullying, and general family dysfunction as one of the primary reasons they decided to remain childfree. Clearly, many years, or decades, later they were still struggling with this trauma and didn't feel ready to entertain the idea of being a parent.  "Why would I go ahead and have a child when, some days, I can barely take care of myself ?" was the question that many of them had asked themselves, or their friends--who wondered why they hadn't yet jumped on the parenthood wagon.

It's a good question because gosh, parenthood is stressful enough. Do we want to heap on a pile of steaming parent stress on the top of unhealed trauma? No, that is certainly not ideal. Yet we see it happening all the time and many who shared their childhood abuse or neglect stories saw that their parents were clearly traumatized, or had mental health issues, as well. They observed how much of a struggle it was for their parents to succeed in the role of parent. They admitted that they were choosing not to have kids because they didn't want to take the chance they too would try, struggle, and fail as parents. Many felt that their own unresolved trauma meant that the odds were stacked against them.

I can sense some parents reading this are inclined to shake their heads and sigh, poo-poo, or resist that idea because they too had a less-than-perfect childhood and yet they cast their doubts aside and jumped on board, odds be damned, because they wanted to break the cycle. They were going to be different and perhaps they are. So I extend a hearty congratulations to those brave souls who beat the odds and raised healthy kids despite the scars of trauma. Yes, it's possible.

However, it's only possible if you really, really want kids, in spite of your own experience, and take actions to heal your trauma or otherwise protect your kids form the sharp edges of your pain. This heartfelt desire, and the ability to choose and embrace the role of parent, is probably the one thing that distinguishes the traumatized parents-to-be from those of us who are opting out. Most of our parents and grandparents didn't choose parenthood consciously, it just happened. The stork delivered babies and he didn't distinguish between those who were emotionally and mentally ready for parenthood and those who where not.

Now that we have the agency and ability to forgo parenthood, if we choose, I trust that our families, friends, and communities will accept that is our choice to make, based on our own self-assessment of  our ability to parent, our desire, and our sense of what is right and healthy for us at this time in our lives.

So the next time a friend or family member says, "I don't think I will make a good parent" don't poo-poo them. Just acknowledge that it's their decision to make. Have the courage and candor to admit that parenthood is not always a bed of roses; that under those blossoms there are thorns and a mulch pile of poo-poo.

Making a Case for Flex Time for All

It annoys me that many companies offer flex time for mommies but when a childless person asks for it they resist. The assumption being that if you don't have kids you are out partying or in your basement hosting swinger parties. Let me share with you what the childfree people I interviewed for Two is Enough were doing when they are not at work covering for all the parents that can't work a 12 hour day.

1) Elder care. It's no surprise the childless siblings bear the bulk of the elder care responsibilities in the U.S.A. The exception is when parents invite Mom to move in so she can babysit and do the laundry.

2) Volunteering. The majority of the folks I interviewed had volunteered for at least one non-profit, including Big Brothers/Big Sisters, animal shelters, equine therapy programs, youth advocacy, volunteer coaching and mentoring, and other charities they were passionate about.

3) Second jobs. Contrary to popular belief some childfree folks need to work a second job to pay school debt or just plain pay the rent. Others are entrepreneurs with start ups or artists or writers and their creative or entrepreneurial pursuits can't pay all the bills.

4) Childcare. Yes, some childfree persons actually help care for other people's kids. I interviewed folks that were temporary guardians for kids whose parents couldn't handle them or care for them. Some took nieces and nephews on vacations and college search trips because the parents couldn't afford to travel or take off work.

5) Recuperating from illness or injury, or caring for pets. Many childfree people complain that when parents ask for time off for a school recital or a snow day they are quickly granted the time off but when a childfree person asks for time off to go to physical therapy or a vet appointment they are denied. This is wrong!

Jenny Noyes, a writer from Australia, make a strong case for equal opportunity for Flex Time in her article titled "The childfree deserve workplace flexibility too" with the astute observation that "having it all" means different things to different people.

I know from my interviews with childfree folks that they have many interests, pursuits, obligations,and responsibilities outside of work and a flexible schedule would be a welcome benefit for every working person. Flex time is a benefit that everyone appreciates and it should be offered to all. Ideally, everyone should be expected to work the number of hours they are paid for, on a schedule that allows for a life outside of work. What you do outside of your work is your own business, unless the cops or social services are knocking on your door.

The Challenge of Finding a Truly Childfree Man...in Africa

I recently received an email from a 35 year old African woman from Nairobi, Kenya who wanted to share her story. I will call her “Kris” as she asked to remain anonymous. She is a good example how an “early articulator” feels and copes as she navigates in a pronatalist culture. Here’s her story:

I have always known I'd be childfree. I told my folks this when I was about 7 years old, and they have only just started 'believing' me about 2 years ago. My gynecologists still insist I might change my mind, so no there is no sterilization in sight. In my country there is little respect for women's reproductive choice (a woman 'knowing her mind'), even among the most educated in the medical fraternity.

I am motivated to remain childfree by an innate knowing which has become firmer as I grow older and trust my instincts more. I have an absolute respect for motherhood, which I believe shouldn't be entered into with the slightest doubt, and I believe that nurturing and creating can be fulfilled in so, so many ways. I am inspired by childless/childfree women and men who have consciously and creatively left their mark on the world, and on hearts. Personally, I learn from and gravitate more to nature and animals than humans.

My 10 year partnership was on its last legs and imploded last year and my childfree stance was used as a convenient scapegoat to explain the problems. My partner had 'hidden' this decision from his parents and when I told them about it, they were shocked and totally against it. This discussion was the first agenda in my current relationship, and it's understandably a major decision for my partner. I've engaged many enlightened men, but even the most eccentric are revolted by the idea. Proof of manhood is intrinsically tied to procreation. Procreation is so completely engrained in the social, religious, cultural and even economic life, it's barely discussed--it's assumed. I couldn't, in good conscience, deny fatherhood to a man (though I'm quite certain not many of them think deeply about the responsibility of good parenting). I've never met an African CF man.

From personal experience, marriage for me would come with the inherent challenge of being stigmatized by my in-laws and the obligation to accept that my husband can have children by any other means (e.g. second family/polygamy). It'd take a very strong man not to cave to the sustained social pressure. I'm coming to the conclusion that marriage and civil partnership could very well be elusive, which is sad. I revel in being slightly eccentric but I've only just started coming to terms with the implications of my decision. This could be a lonely road, but it's a reality I've accepted.

I trust Kris will eventually find a man who is like-minded but it is interesting that in many communities men feel as culturally compelled to procreate as women do. When parenthood is the assumption, there is little room for the idea of personal choice in the matter of procreation. Over time, I believe this will change. I would love to hear your stories about the challenge of finding a like-minded partner. Please comment below...

Why Having Kids Won't Fulfill You

I was interested to find that the author of a recent Time Magazine article titled "Why Having Kids Won't Fulfill You" was written by a woman who struggled and finally succeeded to have children.

Her article was in response to actress Jennifer Aniston's recently published complaint that "“I don’t like [the pressure] that people put on me, on women – that you’ve failed yourself as a female because you haven’t procreated. I don’t think it’s fair."

Maria Guido, author of the Time article said when she did, eventually, have children her life did change but not in the profound ways many women imagine. Her life just got busier and more complicated. She points to her mother's experience of being a divorced single mother and her claim that her children were the only thing that gave her happiness as the reason she felt compelled to follow in her mother's footsteps. Guido notes that 40 years after the women's liberation movement, we still don't believe we can be happy without children, and she asks, "Everyone is always looking for the latent sadness, the regret. What if it’s not there?"

Guido's feelings are summed up in this paragraph, which serves to reassure all childess women who might be feeling the same way as Jennifer Aniston:

I never questioned my desire to have children, because I didn’t have to; I took the well-traveled road. That desire is expected of me – it’s expected of all women. It took me decades to realize that the maternal drive I carried with me my entire adult life, the one that led me to try for five years to have children, may not have been a biological imperative at all. It may just have been a program that was placed into my psyche by the repeated mantras of a woman who was let down by a man and comforted by her children. That’s okay. I love my children and I’m happy about the experiences I’ve had and the paths that have led me to this place. But if this isn’t your place—whether you’re a famous movie star or not– you didn’t take a wrong turn.

Guido's article reminds me that fulfillment is not found following in someone else's footsteps; fulfillment is found is found by following the beat of your own heart.