Stocking Stuffer Ideas for Pets and Pawrents

Okay I don’t have a pet but most of my friends do and sometimes I’ll bring a gift for their dog or cat because—let’s face it—to many people their pets are their furbabies.

So what do you give them? Another rawhide bone, another catnip mouse? Or one of the really cool things I found on the web recently. Here are some ideas:

Biodegradable, flushable doggie poop bags. Really convenient and good for the environment and bonus!—the company gives 10 percent of sales to ASPCA!

Bling Bling Blinkers for pets and pet owners. This LED blinker clips on to collars, leashes, or your belt clip to alert drivers that you and your pet are ahead.

The Rudy the Reindeer dog toy caught my eye because he was so darn cute and squishy. Pawrents beware, Rudy comes with a squeaker!

The Turbo Scratcher Cat Toy entices your cat with catnip, a ball in a track, and a scratching pad. Scratching pads are replaceable and part of the proceeds of the sales go to feed shelter animals.

Some of these sites offer free shipping and express shipping. It’s not too late to buy!

Have a fun and furry holiday season!

Childless in Babyville: Navigating In a Pronatalist World

Childless in Babyville is the title of a chapter in my book Two Is Enough: A Couples Guide to Living Childless by Choice. It’s a chapter that acknowledges that if you are single or in a committed partnership you will at some point feel the stigma of remaining childfree. I have yet to find one person who has not been second-guessed, challenged, or perceived as odd or seriously flawed because they have chosen a childfree life.

Recently I received an email from a 26 year-old woman whom I’ll call “Bella” who had seen me in a segment titled “Childless by Choice” on CNN’s Joy Behar Show:

I just wanted to say that I have just recently discovered your website after seeing an interview on one of the news networks and very much wanted to share my feelings about this. Let me start by saying this has given me confidence in myself knowing that I am not the only woman who shares these feelings about remaining childless.

I have no desire to have my own children and I have known this since I was 10 years old. I didn't realize until later in life how much this decision would ultimately affect me and could actually be a little stressful.

I work in the design department for a baby clothing company. I love my job and love the people I work with but there is this stigma that there is something wrong with me because I do not share the same interest to bear children like the rest of the woman I work with. And I don't understand why I am questioned so often as to my personal decision not to have kids. Sometimes I am afraid that it is going to affect keeping my job. Just because I don't share the need to have kids doesn't mean I don't like designing clothing. I am a creative, talented person with a lot to offer.

When ever having or not having kids is brought up I am always asked “why?” Sometimes I just didn't know how to respond without sounding strange. I am often told I am "weird.”

When I found this site and started reading the blog, it made me feel so much better about my choice (even though I have never questioned it). I am so glad that there are other people out there that share the same view.

I am not the only "weirdo" :)

Bella is right, she is not alone. There are millions of people who feel exactly as she does and struggle to find ways to navigate in “babyville.”


Flickr Photo by Ex.Libris

Will You Be Working This Thanksgiving?

This is the question CNN News anchor Don Lemon asked his childfree guest on Sunday night's news program.

He had invited this childfree man and Katherine Reynolds Lewis, The Fiscal Times. com reporter who wrote "Parental Guidance: Why Your Co-workers May Hate You," to talk about the workplace tension that exists, especially during the holidays, when single and childless employees may be expected to work holidays and weekends while their colleagues who are parents are allowed to take the time off.

While Don Lemon suggested that "hate" might be too severe a word, he did acknowledge that this workplace tension does exist in the CNN newsroom and is experienced by his single friends.

Will you be working this Thanksgiving holiday?

Flickr Photo by Riptheskull

A Supportive Sister

When you ‘out’ yourself as childless by choice you get all kinds of reactions. I documented many of them in my book, Two Is Enough--they run the gamut from disapproval to envy.

Bonnie has experienced most of them as a 53 year-old married woman who never wanted kids. Many of her peers and colleagues don’t understand her decision because she taught elementary school for 23 years, but her younger never-married sister does understand and support her older sister’s decision because she’s childless by choice too.

For many years, my 43 year-old sister and I have discussed the fact that we have made the right decision to be childless. We've also groused about society thinking that we are ‘not quite right’ to not want children. We've been treated like we're not ‘real women.’

We've seen women with children take advantage of health care, sick leave, and ‘mommy duties.’ We're the ones who pick up the slack at work, and then aren't fully appreciated for our efforts, since we don't have children at home. (We do, but they're the furry kind.) I've taught elementary school, working with children of all races and economic situations, and can honestly say that I've seen more BAD parenting than good.

Bonnie and her sister feel the lack of support most acutely around celebrations like Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. They feel excluded.

My sister and I decided that WE need a day of recognition. We've wanted to go national with a ‘Childless by Choice Day’ but don't know how. We were not sure of a good day for ‘our’ celebration, but just prior to Mother's Day seemed ideal for us. For ourselves, we vowed to make that special day the day before Mother's Day.

Others have felt the same way which is why people around the world now celebrate “World Childfree Day” on June 4th. How you choose to affirm or honor your decision is fully up to you but I think it’s great to take a day or a moment to reflect and feel gratitude, especially with someone who loves and supports you.

I Can Better Serve the World by Not Having Children

The title of this post comes from the questionnaire I used to survey self-described childless by choice persons for the book Two Is Enough and the soon-to-be-released documentary The Childless by Choice Project. Close to half of the people I surveyed cited this as a compelling motive for their decision to remain childless.

Back in September I spend an evening with a group of Asheville, North Carolina residents who where concerned about global population. Most in the room were inclined to remain childfree because of the environmental impact of overpopulation, including a woman who really, really loved children yet had decided she couldn’t, in good conscience, have one of her own.

Recently I received an email from Joanna, who wanted to express her gratitude that she “did not cave into the pressure in society to have kids.” She is a 56-year-old woman, happily married for 32 years, and this is what she wrote:

Both my husband and I never wanted children. I have been a teacher since I was in my early 20s, and now I work for a university as a teacher mentor. I have to [say] that people without children add an enormous amount of positive energy to our society. When I was a classroom teacher, the people staying long hours in their classrooms were always the teachers without their own children. Also, not having children has allowed me the time to do a lot of volunteer work.

With the population nearing 7 billion, people who choose not to have children are helping our beautiful, natural world survive and flourish. Both my husband and I are environmentalists, and we feel so happy that we have helped the Earth that way.

I too am grateful for the opportunity to mentor two terrific young women, both of whom have grown from your typical awkward teens to confident, accomplished women (and mothers). Had I had a couple of kids of my own I doubt I would have had the time to mentor these two. But I am so glad I did.

What are you grateful for?

Another Childfree Person Falls Through the Cracks

Earlier this month I wrote a post titled “Are We a Family?” Most childfree couples say “Yes, we are!” However, our social institutions sometimes don’t see it that way and some of the government agencies that are set up to help families in need overlook the families of two.

An example of this came to me by way of email by a woman I will call “Susan” (as she didn’t want her real name to be used). Susan wanted to share “a terrible experience” she recently had when a horse-related accident left her with limited use of her right arm.

I was collecting unemployment at the time from an earlier work lay-off. [My husband and I] were struggling financially and I was without health insurance when the accident occurred. I had four surgeries post accident to repair my shoulder/clavicle/arm. Though I was fortunate to not break my neck or lose my arm, the accident changed my life.

To make a long story short; with no health insurance and limited income, I turned to DSS/Medicaid for assistance. This was extremely defeating to me, but the system is there to help people through crisis (even though it’s widely abused). However, what occurred during my DSS interview was disturbing to me. I was unable to qualify for Medicaid because my unemployment earnings were too high for this county's cut off ($706 for a woman with no children).

During the interview I was also screened for any possible social service help that I might qualify for, and I qualified for NONE...... however, a social worker came into the [cubicle] where I was being interviewed and told me I qualified for ONE program - "Reproductive Counseling". I immediately asked if this included any gynecological services (pap smear etc), and it did not. Upon questioning exactly what this program was, it was explained to me that it is a program offered to all women that consists of counseling on abstinence and safe sex! The irony; I'm 40 with NO children....and I got to that age birth-free BY CHOICE. Did they think I'd be interested??! Hell no.

The moral of the story is--if I had been pregnant or had any amount of children, I would have qualified for many services that I desperately needed due to consequences from my accident. To me, this sends a 'back door message' to get pregnant so the system would WORK FOR ME! How ridiculous!

When I read Susan’s story, I wondered “How did this social worker come to the conclusion that a person seeking help with a limited mobility disability and medical care access would need reproductive counseling?”

Are We a Family?

Alyssa Favreau called me last week for an interview for her university paper, The McGill Daily. She wanted to explore how our definitions of family have expanded over time. In her article titled The Ties That Bind she cited a study by Indiana University sociologist Brian Powell in which Americans were asked what they considered to be a family. Favreau noted:

In Powell’s research, the presence of children had a legitimizing effect on how a couple was viewed. In the 2010 survey, 100 per cent of respondents considered a married heterosexual couple with children to be a family, while 83 per cent considered an unmarried heterosexual with kids to be a family, and 64 per cent considered a same-sex couple with kids to be a family. Remove the children, and the percentages dropped down to 92, 40 and 33 per cent respectively.

Laura Scott, head of the Childless by Choice Project advocacy group and author of Two is Enough: A Couple’s Guide to Living Childless by Choice, said that these findings are representative of how couples living without children are often excluded from the general definition of family. “The perception is that they’re just a couple, not really a family,” she explained. “There’s an attitude that if you’re a [child-free] couple, it must be temporary; eventually you’ll have children.”

This perspective, Scott said, often leads to a social marginalization of couples who are childless either by circumstance or by choice. “As a childless person you become socially isolated,” she said. “Childlessness is approaching 20 percent in women, and that’s huge. We can no longer assume parenthood for all...we need to assimilate those [child-free] couples into our society and recognize that it’s a viable life path.”

Though I do not describe the Childless by Choice Project as an advocacy group, nor do I advocate remaining childfree, I do advocate expanding our definition of family to include functioning, committed, and supportive family units of two or more regardless of gender, sexual orientation, marital status, or the number of offspring produced or adopted.

Are you childless by choice or circumstance? If so, what does your family unit look like?