Valquiria's Story

I recently received an email from a woman who wanted to share her personal story about what can happen when you say "Yes" to starting a family when your heart and mind says "No."
To protect her privacy, we agreed we to use a pseudynom. This is Valquiria's story:

I’ve been married for 16 years and my husband and I live in Brazil. My husband always knew about my lack of interest in having children, but both of us thought, over the years, that something would awake in me that would make me want to be the mother of his kids. But that day never came. What came was his invitation to start trying seriously for a pregnancy because he wanted so badly to be a dad.
For fear of losing him, I relented.
The first time I had a delay in menstruation, I panicked.  I had never felt so sorry for a decision. I told my husband what was happening; that I was scared and it was not the time for me to be a mom. Fortunately, it was only a false alarm. But then I made my real mistake: once again, for fear of losing his love,  I let him think we would continue trying.
Meanwhile,as my true self continued manifesting, my husband showed me, excitedly, kid and maternity stuff, but that only made me want to run away and to be closer to my animals ( yes, I am a rescuer ). Time passed by, and the dreaded and inevitable questioning came. In a painful conversation, I told him I had agreed to try for children just for love – my love for him. Well, it happened that he did not take it well. I went through a long ordeal of psychological abuse and maltreatment. I had to hear very hard and offensive things, like “I’m wasting my time with you”, “I’m not nice to you because you don’t give me children”, “this is not a real marriage” and so on.
Apparently after some sort of inner struggle, he decided he would stay with me anyway. I don’t know whether this is a permanent decision for him. I’ve NEVER regretted my choice. I don’t want to parent ANYONE. However, it’s been a long journey to regain my self-confidence; and I’m having a hard time trying to be okay with the fact that I HAVE to consider and love myself more than anyone else. My feelings hurt not because I might, later in my life, regret not having sons and daughters, but because I’m breaking his heart.
I’m a 40 year old healthy woman. I got married for love and for love only. Contrary to what people think, choosing a childfree life doesn’t make me a bad or selfish person; it just means I have the courage to be true to myself. And this is priceless. If I could be of any help to anyone passing through a similar situation, I’d gladly help. We all have our reasons for not having kids.  

Why are (Most) Successful Women in the USA Childless?

A recent blog post published in The Huffington Post attempts to explain why (most) successful women in the USA are childless. While the author  Kristen Houghton doesn't cover all the reasons why this appears to be true, she does make an important point:

to succeed, you need to focus on what you want without distraction. To do that, you need to put what needs to be done high on your list of priorities. Men have been doing it for years without anyone thinking less of them. Whether in the corporate, financial or even artistic realms, to reach the top in your career requires a single-minded drive, dedication and passion.

True. And that single-minded drive is often, intentionally, not directed to the role of parent. However, there are mothers who have developed very successful careers as Facebook's COO Sheryl Sandberg effectively documents in her recent best-seller Lean In. However, Sandberg has this to say:

Women rarely make one big decision to leave the workforce. Instead, they make a lot of small decisions along the way," Sandberg wrote, according to a book excerpt on Time.com. "A law associate might decide not to shoot for partner because someday she hopes to have a family. A sales rep might take a smaller territory or not apply for a management role. A teacher might pass on leading curriculum development for her school. Often without even realizing it, women stop reaching for new opportunities."

In my interview's for the Childless by Choice Project, I saw evidence of this series of "small decisions" in the process of ultimately deciding to remain childfree. Women deciding to postpone childbearing. Women turning down a proposal from a man who clearly wants to start a family. Women rejecting the idea of being a single mom.

Women who intend to be mothers make the same series of decisions that limit their ability to compete or succeed in the top ranks. Some women have been quick to blame the glass ceiling or discrimination for the lack of women CEOs or COOs in the USA, but that's only one piece of it according to Sandberg. I tend to agree. As a coach I help my clients make these decisions and we go through a process of overt discernment when covering all the options. The trick to values-based decision-making is to make these decisions consciously with a clear sense of your wants and values, with eyes wide open, knowing that every choice you make excludes another competing option.



 

“The Planet Doesn't Need Your Babies”

So says Caitlin Moran, a comedian, feminist, and mother of two, in her book How To Be a Woman. Lisa Hymas writing for Grist.org highlights some of Moran’s funniest entreaties for those who are thinking of having kids.

If you take a moment to consider the state of the world, the thing you notice is that there are plenty of babies being born; the planet really doesn’t need all of us to produce more babies. Particularly First World babies, with their ferocious consumption of oil and forest and water, and endless burping-out of carbon emissions and landfill. First World babies are eating this planet like termites. If we had any real perspective on fertile Western women, we’d be jumping on them in the streets, screaming, “JESUS! CORK UP YOUR NETHERS! IMMUNIZE YOURSELF AGAINST SPERM!” …

Moran presents a compelling cautionary tale in which she describes her scary transformation from do-gooder environmentalist to consumption junkie, a transformation she attributes to becoming a mother.

Before I had my kids I may have mooched about a lot but I was politically informed, signing petitions, and recycling everything down to watch batteries. It was compost heap here, dinner from scratch there, public transport everywhere. … I was smugly, bustingly, low-level good. Six weeks into being poleaxed by a newborn colicky baby, however, and I would have happily shot the world’s last panda in the face if it made the baby cry for 60 seconds less. The cloth diapers … were dumped for disposables; we lived on ready meals. Nothing got recycled … Union dues and widow’s mites were cancelled — we needed the money for the disposables and the ready meals. …

This lady is seriously funny. I can’t wait to buy this book and read her take on modern womanhood. Based on what I've read so far I'm sure she can be trusted to slay a few sacred cows… or pandas.

What sacred cows, or assumptions, around womanhood would you like to slay?

How the Childless and Childfree are Transforming Neighborhoods

I was recently interviewed by Marilyn Lewis, a reporter for MSN, who wanted to know what the childless and childfree wanted in terms of neighborhoods. The resulting article titled Grownupville: Neighborhoods for the New Childless Majority takes a fascinating look at how the childless and childfree are transforming neighborhoods, some formerly blighted, into meccas for no-kid households.

Having lived in or visited three of the top 10 communities profiled, I have to agree that the new majority, the childless household, is having a significant influence on the way we think about building a community. The childfree typically look for neighborhoods that are vibrant, stimulating, with easy access to restaurants, entertainment, workplaces, and services designed to support active and healthy lifestyles. They are not looking for the best school district, playgrounds (unless it's an off-leash dog park), or access to other families. In fact the opposite is quite true, as I was quoted saying here:

The impulse to form communities of childless people may seem inexplicable to outsiders, but it makes perfect sense to Scott. People who want to reproduce and cannot often find life among families lonely and painful, she says. Also, childless people can feel left behind when old friends focus on their young families. "They're so busy with their kids and they've got a new bunch of friends they've found through their children."

For nonparents, the key to a rich life is in building a tribe, a family of affinity, Scott tells clients. "That's hard to do when you're living in a suburb surrounded by families and kids."

My experience of living in South Tampa, first in the Harbour Island neighborhood and more recently in Ballast Point, is exactly what I had hoped for: ethnic and racial diversity, easy access to restaurants and entertainment, good city energy but still peaceful, a mix of families, retired folks, and childfree neighbors, and an urban lifestyle that invites me to leave my car in the garage and walk or bike to my destination.

What has your experience been in the neighborhood in which you live? Would you nominate your neighborhood as the best place to live for current your lifestyle?


Photo credit: Richmond Metropolitan Convention & Visitors Bureau

“I’ve never felt clucky”- a Childfree Perspective from Down Under

I laughed when I read this article by Shelly Horton in the Sydney Morning Herald. Outside of the term “Clucky” —which I’ve never heard used before and I assume must be short hand for “mother hen” in Australia— so much of what Horton related about her childfree experience in Australia is what I heard in my interviews for the Childless by Choice Project in North America.

It seems whether you are in Seattle or Sydney, you will have people who imagine all kinds of things about your decision to remain childfree—like you just simply decided, over a bowl of mussels and a glass of sauvignon blanc, that you were going to opt out of parenthood. It was that simple.

On the contrary, Horton describes her decision making and how she navigates outside of the norms:

It's not a light decision. I've spoken to a counsellor about it at length. It's never easy going against society's norms. I have some medical issues that mean it would be very difficult for me to have a child. Sometimes if I'm feeling judged or questioned I hide behind that, because saying ''I can't have children'' is more acceptable than saying ''I don't want children''.

I admire women who juggle family and career. I agree it's the hardest job in the world. It's not a job I want to put my hand up for.

If pressed on the subject I retort: ''Did you 'just know' you wanted to be a mother? Well I 'just know' I don't.'' I'm sure there are other women who feel the same way as me but don't speak up.

Yes, Shelly, there are plenty of other women who feel the same way as you and they do speak up. Right here.


Flickr Photo by Leoncillo Sabino