Monday, February 10, 2014

"Not a Mother" Mindfulness

Last month a received an email from Maaike, a woman from the Netherlands who shared one of her blog posts with me.
I was very impressed and touched by the way she honored her decision not to have children. I will share an excerpt here and invite you to click here to see the whole post:
"Everywhere I go, everywhere I am, I set up altars for the woman in me who will not be with child and will not give birth to a child. A choice. My choice. Every day I take a little bow to this choice and to the woman that I am today. And every day I check with myself if this choice still feels right, making sure that this is my path - that this is my life I need and want to live. Then I take a deep look in my husband’s eyes – he is inextricably linked to the choice that I made – and I know it’s right. I won’t wake up one day regretting this choice and blame him or myself for it. 
"Honoring the importance of this choice I decided to make this choice every single day all over again. But it is since a little while that it feels different. It's not just a choice anymore. It's changed into the realization that I will not become a mother for sure. Not only because it's my choice, but also because I am a woman of 39 and I truly feel that I am too old to become a mother. After losing a close friend earlier this year – this new awareness hit me really hard.

"I share all of this with you my fellow sister, because I need you and other women to read this - to know this. This is important. Choosing to become a mother is a choice for the rest of your life but so is the choice to not become a mother. Regret is too high a price to pay - either way."
I, too, reaffirm my decision not to have children even though that option for me is past. It feels good to check in with myself again, and again, and know it still is the right decision for me. How about you?


Anonymous said...

That's a great post - thank you for sharing. I went for several years deliberately making that choice and appreciating that choice every day. I helps me feel confident in myself and reassures me that I do know what I want. I'm 33...lightning could still strike and I might make a different choice, but it's very hard to reconcile who I know I am (day after day, for years) with that fictional possibility.

maaikes.writersblog said...

Thank you FireandEarth for appreciating this post. And thank you for sharing your story. With an open heart and mind, all is fine. The choice being childless (for now) or the choice of wanting to become a mum. You have time and yet if you are sure - don't feel pressured by any means not to have or to have a change of heart. Much love, Maaike

maaikes.writersblog said...

Dear FireandEarth thank you for appreciating this post. And thank you for sharing your story. Know that all is fine, not to have childeren or to wanting to become a mum. You still have time - but don't feel pressured by anybody to have or not to have change of heart. And let us all support eachother in whatever choice we make. Much love, Maaike

Trish Robson said...

I often do a self-check, and ask myself the same question. I am childless by choice, and my husband is happy either way.

I used to worry that he would divorce me because of this, but I now know that his love for me is deeper than the need to biologically have children.

I am turning 39 next month, and also thought about the "what if I get pregnant now?" question. I simply couldn't do it.

I don't regret my decision. I just regret the friends that I have lost because they can't understand the choice that I have made.

maaikes.writersblog said...

For me a self-check is essential! I want this not only to be a choice, but a conscious choice as well. Hail for sharing your story. It is so important for others to know what it is like for us and it is so important for women like us that they're not alone! Much love, Maaike

maaikes.writersblog said...

For me a self-check is essential! Not only is this a choice, it is a conscious choice. Hail to you for sharing your bit on the matter.
It is important for others to know what it is like for us - and even more important for women like us to know that they are not alone. Let's do this - let's share our stories and support eachother.
Much love,

Our Book Club for Two said...

I admire you for striving to understand yourself and to respect who you are, and not conform to the ideals of others who may try to tell you who they think you should be. It seems that this "choice" is fodder for so many conversations. People do not realize how much soul searching goes into the decision, and to utter a flip comment, such as "you'll change your mind," is disrespectful of all the inner-work you've done to reach inside and discover who you are and want to be. Great post, thanks!

maaikes.writersblog said...

Thank you Melanie Holmes for your kind words. To be honest, it should alway be a conscious choice I feel - to choose being a parent or not becoming one. The stakes, especially when childeren are involved, are way to high not to be aware, conscious and awake. Our childeren deserve this and we deserve it. Hail to all the mums and non-mums for choosing with full awareness. Much love, Maaike