Parents Supporting Their Childfree Children

I have been very fortunate in the fact that both my parents have always supported my choice to remain childfree. This is not always the case for childfree folks, as I documented in my book Two is Enough and the documentary film The Childless by Choice Project. Some parents do put a lot of pressure on their children to produce the grandchildren. Other parents just can't understand why.

I had a really happy childhood, with a Mom and Dad who were excellent role models for Parenthood. Yet I chose to remain childless by choice, not because I didn't know how to parent but because I didn't think parenthood was a good role for me.

I can't tell you how many times people have told me, "Oh, you would be such a great mom!" And maybe I would be but I am convinced that had I been a mother I would have experienced many  unhappy and frustrating days wondering why I had chosen this path when other paths seemed so much more appealing and natural for me.

This is why I was glad to see Barbara Walters, one of the hosts of  the current events show The View defend her daughter's decision to remain childless.  As a career television journalist, Barbara Walters knows more than most women how difficult it can be to navigate motherhood and career and clearly she is very proud of her daughter, saying that she's very caring and loving, particularly to old people like herself.
 
One of the other women on the panel already had a child but was planning for more and couldn't wait for the opportunity to breast-feed a baby. You could tell by the faces of the other women on the panel that breast-feeding an infant was definitely not something they were wishing for as they lay their head on their pillow at night. And this is why The View's panel of five women works so well and why we tune in. These five women are a diverse group from all walks of life and they have a variety of experiences and opinions about issues that concern us all.  Yet they can agree that parenthood is not for everybody and recognize that although they would happily choose parenthood for themselves they can understand why some women and men may not want what they want.

If these five women of The View wanted the same things, believed the same things, and held the same opinions  we wouldn't be watching the show.  
 
Lucky for us, and lucky for the networks who profit from these shows, we respectfully disagree!

Going Childfree - A Guy’s Perspective

Amy and Lance Blackstone are a childfree couple with a new website and blog called We are {not} having a Baby. I chatted with Amy and we thought it would be cool to guest blog on each other's sites. Amy's husband Lance offerred to give his perspective as a childfree guy who came from the assumption of parenthood. In the Childless by Choice Project I made a real effort to include men because they are often overlooked in the discussion of voluntary childessness, but not here, not now. Here's Lance's story:

Growing up I knew that I’d have kids of my own. The path was obvious: grow up, date, get married, have kids and be a dad. Preferably in that order. No steps optional.

This is how it works.

I’ve occasionally been wrong, but for the sake of this post I'll assume that many guys have a similar mindset.

I first actively questioned the obvious path around nine when I realized kids are a LOT of work. I have first hand experience of this. You see I have four siblings, all older sisters. Yes, four older sisters; thanks for the sympathy.

At that point two (only two!) of my sisters still lived at home with yours truly. We were an absolute handful, or more truthfully, I was an angel with two wicked, older step sisters.

I kid, I kid! Love you, my actual real, not step, sisters!

Where was I? Yeah, well, I watched mom and dad try to deal with angry, petulant, self-centered tweens and teens with endless needs and demands for time, food, money, laundry, etc. I thought to myself “Why would you do this to yourself?"

Yes, I know. Wise beyond his years, you say.

Speaking of, I’ve always been a pretty logical thinker (he says about himself). Illogically, I often assume others to be the same. Logically/illogically I figured I must be missing something. People put themselves through so much effort and heartache while giving up so much freedom, and time, ergo there must be more to the story...

I chalked it up to not understanding; to being young. I sez to myself "When I'm more mature I'll get it, and when I get it, then I'll want kids”.

Because this is how it works.

Time rolled on. I grew up (arguably). I dated. I got married. It never happened though. I’ve never wanted kids. And it's not because I never saw an upside - I do see how meaningful kids can be to parents that really want them. No, I've never wanted kids because I clearly see the downsides and for me the cons outweigh the pros.

Now I’m in my early 40’s. I’ve been married for 18 years. I love my life as it is, childfree. Speaking of, as I write this, my wife and I are on our way to a tropical island for the next 5 weeks where we will host friends and family. You think we could pull this off if we had kids?

For me, this is how it really works.

The Childess by Choice Project on Campus

When I started screening rough cuts of The Childless by Choice Project documentary to people I would usually be approached at the end of the film by a person with the comment, "This film needs to be shown in schools."

Well I am happy to say that now that the film is finished and is about to be launched into the world that day has finally come. After a few rough cut test screenings in colleges and universities, the finished film is now being shown in colleges and universities in the USA and in Canada.

I am heading up north this week to Madison, Wisconsin where the Sociology department of University of Wisconsin-Madison will host a screening of The Childless by Choice Project on Wednesday, October 19 at 7 p.m. in Room 8417 in the Sewell Social Sciences Building. I will be on hand for the Q & A that follows.

I am planning for more campus screenings in the future, along with home screenings across North America. Check out the Events and Community page of the Childless by Choice Project website for upcoming events and screenings. If you are an educator and would like to host an on-campus screening/Q & A or would like an educational-licensed copy of the DVD for your classroom, department or library, please email saltwhistlebay@cs.com for information.