tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22364614507742459552024-03-05T09:08:49.278-08:00The Childless by Choice ProjectA Salon for the Happily Childless and Childfree.Laura S. Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11503359529542988850noreply@blogger.comBlogger131125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2236461450774245955.post-36764599864089823022020-01-01T09:05:00.000-08:002020-01-01T09:05:01.378-08:00Is making the Choice to Remain Childless the "New Path" to Happiness for Women?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Is making the Choice to Remain Childless the "New Path" to Happiness for Women?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Psychology Today contributor Dr. Noam Shpancer expertly explores this question in a <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/insight-therapy/201912/childless-choice-new-path-happiness" target="_blank">recent blog post</a> citing some important research including the research I conducted ahead of writing <a href="https://www.target.com/p/two-is-enough-by-laura-s-scott-paperback/-/A-77315354" target="_blank">Two Is Enough: A Couple's Guide to Living Childless by Choice</a>.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Dr. Shpancer wonders why the childfree are labelled "selfish" when "<span style="background-color: white; color: #2c2d30;">people often choose to have children because they think this will make them feel better about their lives, provide added meaning, confirm their social status as successful adults, and provide aid and comfort in the long term. As a rule, parents don’t have the number of children that is optimal for the country or the world; they have the number they consider optimal for themselves. It’s a fundamentally selfish choice."</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #2c2d30;">He also tackles the "What happens when you get old?" question by reminding us of the harsh realities of growing old with kids: "H</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #2c2d30;">aving children is not foolproof insurance against the vicissitudes of old age. Sometimes children remain dependent on the parents throughout life. Other times they become disengaged or alienated from parents; they may refuse, or be otherwise unable to, assume the </span><a class="inline-links topic-link" href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/caregiving" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: white; border-bottom: 1px dashed rgb(153, 153, 153); box-sizing: border-box; color: rgb(44, 45, 48) !important; text-decoration-line: none !important; word-break: break-word;" title="Psychology Today looks at caregiving">caregiving</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #2c2d30;"> burden. Moreover, the money, time, and energy spent on raising children may be used instead to acquire sufficient wealth to allow one to purchase competent help in old age."</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #2c2d30;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">It now costs around $240,000 to raise a child to eighteen in a middle income household in the U.S. and that doesn't include college costs. If you instead invested that amount over an 18-year term and realized a modest 6% return you would have $685,000 to spend on end-of-life care.</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #2c2d30;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Do parents-to-be make this calculation before having kids. Most don't, particularly those who view the experience of parenthood as "priceless!" Those of us who happily and intentionally forgo the parenthood experience have the time and resources for other "priceless" experiences. They just need to figure out what makes them happiest and get on with it!</span></span>Laura S. Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11503359529542988850noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2236461450774245955.post-22103315801354960802019-07-09T13:59:00.000-07:002019-07-09T14:00:34.972-07:00Questioning the Existence of Maternal Instinct<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Many of the people I interviewed for my book <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Two-Enough-Couples-Living-Childless/dp/1580052630" target="_blank">Two is Enough: A Couple's Guide to Living Childless by Choice</a> told me they remained childfree because, "I just don't have a maternal/paternal instinct." So much so that when I had a chance to interview human fertility expert Dr. S. Philip Morgan for the <a href="https://www.reelhouse.org/saltwhistlebay/thechildlessbychoiceproject" target="_blank">Childless by Choice Project documentary</a> I asked him if there was such a thing as a maternal instinct. He replied, "<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; text-transform: uppercase;">S</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">o
we were wired to have sex<span style="text-transform: uppercase;">. A</span>nd once we had kids, we were wired to
fall in love with our kids<span style="text-transform: uppercase;">. B</span>ut there is this sort of contemporary
challenge; I don't think we’re wired to have some certain number of kids, so there's
a big question mark about whether, where does the motivation come from having
kids?<span style="text-transform: uppercase;"> A</span>nd right now, it may come, as you say, from this really unbalanced
portrait of parenthood as being better than it really is<span style="text-transform: uppercase;">. B</span>ut it may be good for
our society that it is painted as better than it really is because if we, if people
had all the facts up front, maybe they wouldn’t do it. I think once they have
kids, most people do the best they can<span style="text-transform: uppercase;">." </span></span></span><br />
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Dr. Morgan didn't think maternal/paternal instinct compelled humans to have children, rather that children where the result of the instinctive desire to sexually couple and maternal and paternal bonding happened only after humans take on the role of care giving for an infant, either their child or an adopted child, and do the best to care for that child and meet the societal expectations and personal aspirations of what they think a "good" parent should be.<br />
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We see this sexual drive for coupling in the animal kingdom too. Scientists have observed male seals trying to mate with penguins because these testosterone fueled lower-ranking males have not been able to mate with their own species and they have no other "outlet for their sexual excitement" according to this <a href="https://www.scmp.com/lifestyle/technology/article/1095080/animals-try-mate-those-other-species-why" target="_blank">article </a>on cross-species mating attempts. Zookeepers will often give a baby animal to a female of a totally different species if the mother of the baby animal doesn't show any interest in caring for that baby. And it works, as the adoptive "mother's" nurturing behaviors prompts the feel good brain chemistry in both the cared for and the care giver, bonding them in a relationship of trust that evolves over time.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKqz5ZrgCY1EobwcSpudE9isdvP570n7nY7QyO6Ub6So3Nm9FLPFUutvshw8xLxq65_uUV8W-TrZMdSDOzeuMa8ihIDqx4d9IDIJUGz6ZzYqnUuTLKTn5t7s3jghE4yuygmE77CMZkPjk/s1600/tiger+and+monkey+mom.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="431" data-original-width="600" height="143" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKqz5ZrgCY1EobwcSpudE9isdvP570n7nY7QyO6Ub6So3Nm9FLPFUutvshw8xLxq65_uUV8W-TrZMdSDOzeuMa8ihIDqx4d9IDIJUGz6ZzYqnUuTLKTn5t7s3jghE4yuygmE77CMZkPjk/s200/tiger+and+monkey+mom.jpg" width="200" /></a>But mother/child bonding doesn't always happen, which is usually why the baby animal was removed from it's natural mother in the first place. We humans have a tendency to assume that every mother is predisposed to nurture her biological child but even that is a social construct according to Gillian Ragsdale:</blockquote>
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<span style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; color: #1c1e1c; font-family: "freighttextprobook" , serif; font-size: 22px; letter-spacing: 0.3px;">“Social conformity has tremendous power,” says</span><a href="http://ronininstitute.org/research-scholars/gillian-ragsdale/," style="background-color: white; border-bottom: 2px solid rgb(220, 64, 40); box-sizing: inherit; color: #1c1e1c; font-family: FreightTextProBook, serif; font-size: 22px; letter-spacing: 0.3px; outline: 0px; text-decoration-line: none;"> <span style="box-sizing: inherit;">Gillian Ragsdale</span></a><span style="background-color: white; color: #1c1e1c; font-family: "freighttextprobook" , serif; font-size: 22px; letter-spacing: 0.3px;"> </span><span style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; color: #1c1e1c; font-family: "freighttextprobook" , serif; font-size: 22px; letter-spacing: 0.3px;">Ph.D., a biological psychology professor at the Ronin Institute (and mother), who describes the expectation that women are natural born caregivers as an outgrowth of patriarchal thinking. “I can’t tell you how many times people have tried to hand me babies, and I tell them I don’t really do babies. They react like I’ve said something really obscene and shocking.”</span> </blockquote>
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If we hold on to the assumption that all women or men instinctively feel compelled to care for and nurture their offspring, then we have to ignore any evidence to the contrary and stigmatize those who don't conform to the norm, including mothers suffering from post-partum depression. The above quote was from an interesting <a href="https://www.fatherly.com/love-money/maternal-instinct-isnt-real-but-the-myth-makes-parenting-harder/" target="_blank">article</a> published by Fatherly calling the maternal instinct a "myth", noting that: <span style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; color: #1c1e1c; font-family: "freighttextprobook" , serif; font-size: 22px; letter-spacing: 0.3px;">A</span><a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/7388242" style="background-color: white; border-bottom: 2px solid rgb(220, 64, 40); box-sizing: inherit; color: #1c1e1c; font-family: FreightTextProBook, serif; font-size: 22px; letter-spacing: 0.3px; outline: 0px; text-decoration-line: none;"> <span style="box-sizing: inherit;">study</span></a><span style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; color: #1c1e1c; font-family: "freighttextprobook" , serif; font-size: 22px; letter-spacing: 0.3px;"> published in 1980 concluded that 40 percent of first-time mothers felt indifferent the first time they held their babies. The researchers noted that mothers who had difficult births were more likely to feel a lack of connection and that they felt more affection after a week, however. But a 2018</span><a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6041785/" style="background-color: white; border-bottom: 2px solid rgb(220, 64, 40); box-sizing: inherit; color: #1c1e1c; font-family: FreightTextProBook, serif; font-size: 22px; letter-spacing: 0.3px; outline: 0px; text-decoration-line: none;"> <span style="box-sizing: inherit;">study</span></a><span style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; color: #1c1e1c; font-family: "freighttextprobook" , serif; font-size: 22px; letter-spacing: 0.3px;"> also noted that many mothers felt disillusioned after giving birth and were still struggling to love their babies months later.</span></blockquote>
If maternal or paternal instinct is truly a myth then the drive to be a parent is likely more of a desire or aspiration or a societal expectation than a biological urge. Perhaps there will be less stigma attached to those who decide to remain childfree, or to those who struggle to happily nurture the children they have, if we let go of the maternal/paternal instinct myth and just let true desire and longing drive the decision to parent and to nurture.<br />
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As I have seen with many of the childfree couples I have interviewed over the years, humans are not hard-wired to have our own brood and given the number of "furry" children I saw in my research cross-species caregiving and nurturing is more common than we care to admit, enhancing well-being and happiness for all involved!<br />
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<br />Laura S. Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11503359529542988850noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2236461450774245955.post-27002181439854055882018-10-17T10:25:00.000-07:002018-10-17T11:03:32.941-07:00Melinda Gates wants 200 million women to have access to the contraceptives they need<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12px;">Rachel, I woman I interviewed for <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Two-Enough-Couples-Living-Childless/dp/1580052630" target="_blank">Two is Enough: A Couple's Guide to Living Childless by Choice</a> reached out to me and alerted me to the fact that the November issue of National Geographic magazine has an <a href="https://www.nationalgeographic.com/culture-exploration/2018/09/gates-foundation-goalkeepers-poverty-hiv-child-hunger/" target="_blank">interview</a> with Bill and Melinda </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12px;">Gates about their philanthropic endeavors. "I saw this quote from Melinda and </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12px;">thought of you":</span><br />
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<span style="color: blue;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12px;">"Family planning is crucial anywhere, in any community around the world,</span></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12px;">because if a woman can decide if and when to have a child, she's going to be</span></span><span style="color: blue;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12px;">healthier and her child is going to be healthier. That's one of the</span></span><span style="color: blue;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12px;">longest-standing pieces of research we have."</span></span><span style="color: blue;"><br style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;" /></span><span style="color: blue;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12px;">Then when asked what one thing she would fix if she could (poverty,</span></span><span style="color: blue;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12px;">malnutrition, education, HIV, etc.), Melinda said:</span></span><span style="color: blue;"><br style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;" /></span><span style="color: blue;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12px;">"So if I could wave a magic wand, 200 million women who are asking us for</span></span><span style="color: blue;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12px;">contraceptives today would have them."</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12px;">Rachel added, "<i>I love that she said "IF and when to have a child" and that this is her #1 </i></span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"><i>concern</i>!" I love that too! I think we are finally moving away from the assumption that all women will choose to have children just because they can. The research mentioned by Melinda Gates confirms that health outcomes improve for both women and children when women are in control of the number and timing of births. If you would like to read more about the work of the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, <a href="https://www.nationalgeographic.com/culture-exploration/2018/09/gates-foundation-goalkeepers-poverty-hiv-child-hunger/" target="_blank">click here</a> for the full article.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"><br /></span>Laura S. Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11503359529542988850noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2236461450774245955.post-84014281529900873182018-03-01T14:05:00.001-08:002018-03-01T14:05:42.324-08:00To What Degree Does Childhood Abuse or Trauma Influence the Childfree Choice?Danielle Corcione, writing for Hellogiggles.com, recently posted an <a href="https://hellogiggles.com/lifestyle/want-to-be-childfree-own-childhood-trauma/" target="_blank">article</a> on her wish to remain childfree titled:<br />
<h2 style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; color: #282f2f; font-family: Velino-BookItalic, serif; letter-spacing: 0.3px; line-height: 47px; margin: 16px 0px; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;">I want to be childfree because I'm still working through my own childhood trauma — and I don't think I'm alone</span></h2>
Yes, apparently she is not alone! As soon as I posted this article on my <a href="https://www.amazon.com/dp/B003ZHVC6G" target="_blank">Two is Enough</a> <a href="https://www.facebook.com/Two-is-Enough-A-Couples-Guide-to-Living-Childless-by-Choice-98500360688/" target="_blank">FB pages</a> a flurry of comments followed; people citing parenthood neglect, abuse, school bullying, and general family dysfunction as one of the primary reasons they decided to remain childfree. Clearly, many years, or decades, later they were still struggling with this trauma and didn't feel ready to entertain the idea of being a parent. "Why would I go ahead and have a child when, some days, I can barely take care of myself ?" was the question that many of them had asked themselves, or their friends--who wondered why they hadn't yet jumped on the parenthood wagon.<br />
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It's a good question because gosh, parenthood is stressful enough. Do we want to heap on a pile of steaming parent stress on the top of unhealed trauma? No, that is certainly not ideal. Yet we see it happening all the time and many who shared their childhood abuse or neglect stories saw that their parents were clearly traumatized, or had mental health issues, as well. They observed how much of a struggle it was for their parents to succeed in the role of parent. They admitted that they were choosing not to have kids because they didn't want to take the chance they too would try, struggle, and fail as parents. Many felt that their own unresolved trauma meant that the odds were stacked against them.<br />
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I can sense some parents reading this are inclined to shake their heads and sigh, poo-poo, or resist that idea because they too had a less-than-perfect childhood and yet they cast their doubts aside and jumped on board, odds be damned, because they wanted to break the cycle. They were going to be different and perhaps they are. So I extend a hearty congratulations to those brave souls who beat the odds and raised healthy kids despite the scars of trauma. Yes, it's possible.<br />
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However, it's only possible if you really, really want kids, in spite of your own experience, and take actions to heal your trauma or otherwise protect your kids form the sharp edges of your pain. This heartfelt desire, and the ability to choose and embrace the role of parent, is probably the one thing that distinguishes the traumatized parents-to-be from those of us who are opting out. Most of our parents and grandparents didn't choose parenthood consciously, it just happened. The stork delivered babies and he didn't distinguish between those who were emotionally and mentally ready for parenthood and those who where not.<br />
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Now that we have the agency and ability to forgo parenthood, if we choose, I trust that our families, friends, and communities will accept that is our choice to make, based on our own self-assessment of our ability to parent, our desire, and our sense of what is right and healthy for us at this time in our lives.<br />
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So the next time a friend or family member says, "I don't think I will make a good parent" don't poo-poo them. Just acknowledge that it's their decision to make. Have the courage and candor to admit that parenthood is not always a bed of roses; that under those blossoms there are thorns and a mulch pile of poo-poo.Laura S. Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11503359529542988850noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2236461450774245955.post-51755466783453579562017-09-18T08:42:00.000-07:002017-09-18T08:42:27.815-07:00Scared to Have a Vasectomy? Bring your Bro!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiL3dlV8lfZZmk9OFhvWBNjy_KosNKdPumZjheb-2aXkFkm8cbQ-siLKVKMfhurAnW27QxNERK5KL3e-saYc3uvlCO5PBVLCh-kIrGIBEhgfxQHbJwsOTzGgiYRZY5ZjwMnvunk-i8tkx8/s1600/vasectomies-brosectomies-become-male-spa-days.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="413" data-original-width="650" height="203" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiL3dlV8lfZZmk9OFhvWBNjy_KosNKdPumZjheb-2aXkFkm8cbQ-siLKVKMfhurAnW27QxNERK5KL3e-saYc3uvlCO5PBVLCh-kIrGIBEhgfxQHbJwsOTzGgiYRZY5ZjwMnvunk-i8tkx8/s320/vasectomies-brosectomies-become-male-spa-days.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
Snip! Snip! Why is it that these two simple words trigger fear and loathing in the most manly of men?<br />
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It's a simple procedure, taking less than 15 minutes with very little pain or down time, yet some men cringe just at the mention of it--even though studies show that guys who get snipped get laid more often than guys who haven't undergone the procedure. Click here to <a href="http://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/brosectomy-vasectomy-popular-trend" target="_blank">read more</a> from Men's Health mag.<br />
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The GMA journalist who interviewed the good Dr. who performs "Brosectomies"--vasectomies for guys who want to "share" the experience, finding safety in numbers--noted on air that he had unconsciously crossed his legs during the entire interview.<br />
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Watch the <a href="http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/video/inside-growing-trend-vasectomy-parties-49920284" target="_blank">interview</a> on Good Morning America for a good chuckle and see how two friends turned their vasectomies into a party! Share with a friend!<br />
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Any vasectomy stories you want to share?<br />
<br />Laura S. Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11503359529542988850noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2236461450774245955.post-39614803260944804552017-08-13T11:16:00.000-07:002017-08-13T11:16:30.584-07:00Why People Feel Compelled to Challenge Your "No Kids" Status<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Anna Goldfarb, writing for the New York Times, shares her experience of people asking "intrusive" questions about her childfree status after she married her boyfriend of many years. Most of us who are childfree have experienced this when we partner up and reach the age where most couples choose to have a family (usually the 30's in the United States) and it always made me wonder, "Why do they care so much if I choose to opt out?" Who am I hurting by making this very personal choice?"</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Anna believes that when we make this alternative choice, it challenges a very primal belief system, and people become upset. I agree. It's a clash of values and beliefs. You think having a kid is an important milestone, critical to your maturity and happiness, and I beg to differ....</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Here Anna's thoughts from the NYT article titled: <a href="https://mobile.nytimes.com/2017/08/08/smarter-living/what-to-say-when-people-ask-why-you-arent-having-children.html" target="_blank">"What to Say When People Ask Why You Aren't Having Children." </a></span><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: inherit;">For some, staying childless contradicts their worldview</span></i></h4>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">When people push back about it, they seem to be more upset at having their sense of order questioned. Sometimes that can lead to interactions that feel hostile.</span><span style="background-color: transparent;"> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Many people assume that having children after marriage is the natural progression of life. They may even see my reluctance to have kids as a personal affront, as if I’m criticizing their choices.</span><span style="background-color: transparent;"> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Not only is it exasperating to justify myself to people who have no stake in the process, but people have rarely been enthusiastic about my decision unless they’ve decided to be child-free too.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">As far as how we might respond to these intrusive inquiries. Anna responds with some restraint, particularly with people she doesn't know well:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">When strangers ask about my plans for a child-free life, it can come off as if they’re really asking what kind of person I am.</span><span style="background-color: transparent;"> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">It takes effort to keep my cool. After a few deep breaths, I run through my usual answers in a measured tone: Yes, I love children, but I don’t feel an urgent need to have my own. No, it’s not because I’m a selfish jerk. Then politely assert that my husband and I are making decisions based on what’s right for us as a couple. I don’t elaborate more than that if I don’t want to.</span></div>
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Personally, I usually make light of it and say "Most of my friends couldn't imagine a life without kids, and I couldn't imagine a life with them!" and then laugh.<br />
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How do you respond?Laura S. Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11503359529542988850noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2236461450774245955.post-41011925381516626862017-06-15T14:27:00.000-07:002017-06-15T14:27:20.280-07:00Need a Kid to Leave a Lasting Legacy? Not if You are Dolly Parton!<br />
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People assume that if you are not a parent you are not a contributing member of society. Yet, I regularly see news reports of childfree people making a profound difference in their communities. A recent example is the <a href="http://www.liftable.com/loren-eaton/giving-millions-fire-victims-dolly-parton-reveals-plan-shocking-families/" target="_blank">generous help</a> singer/songwriter/entrepreneur Dolly Parton offered families who had lost their homes in the devastating wildfires in her home state of Tennessee.<br />
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When I interviewed couples for my book <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Two-Enough-Couples-Living-Childless/dp/1580052630" target="_blank">Two is Enough: A Couples Guide to Living Childless by Choice</a>, I noted a similar desire to help people and all living things. Scratch the stigmatized veneer of a childfree person and you will find a volunteer, philanthropist, pet rescuer, mentor, coach, activist, or advocate.<br />
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Childfree people may not be nurturing their biological children but they are finding ways to make a difference in their worlds using the time, energy, and resources they are grateful to have; they are finding ways to share these resources with others.<br />
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Think back on your own life and recall all those who have helped you--teachers, coaches, youth ministers, mentors, neighbors and relatives. I suspect there is a childless or childfree person among them. Just like parents, we want to leave a legacy, but our legacy justs looks a little different.<br />
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What legacy are you creating?Laura S. Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11503359529542988850noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2236461450774245955.post-39849819777866280422017-01-27T06:51:00.000-08:002017-01-27T06:51:38.367-08:00Why 1 in 5 German Moms Regret Parenthood<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Many German women feel they have to choose between career and raising children and when they choose children, one in five feel regret. A <a href="http://www.ozy.com/acumen/why-do-so-many-germans-regret-having-kids/74415" target="_blank">recent study</a> exposes just why Germany has one of the lowest birth rates in Europe and cites many factors, the most noteworthy being, "Lack of satisfaction from parenting."<div>
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This challenges the whole notion, "Oh, it different when they are your kids!!" No, it's not. It's harder because society, especially German society, assumes that every woman wants to stay home full time to raise their babies and provides little or no day care or support for women raising infants and toddlers who may want to work part-time or full time after giving birth. This the hard choice: Kids or Career?</div>
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Apparently 1 in 5 German men also regret parenthood and the reasons for the regret are often shared by both partners. The study authors are going back to the male respondents to drill down further on the males' regret but my guess is that they cite the change in the relationship dynamics. As we say in the south, "When Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!"</div>
Laura S. Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11503359529542988850noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2236461450774245955.post-88427292420966056862016-12-05T12:03:00.001-08:002016-12-05T12:03:55.681-08:00Adele on her Motherhood Moments: "I F*ckin' Hate This!"<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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In the December issue of Vanity Fair magazine, Singer/Songwriter Adele speaks frankly about her experience of motherhood. When the Vanity Fair contributor Lisa Robinson commented that she thought it was brave of Adele to have a child in the midst of such a big, successful career, Adele responded:<br />
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"Actually, I think it's the bravest thing <i>not</i> to have a child; all my friends and I felt pressurized into having kids, because that's what adults do. I love my son more than anything, but on a daily basis, if I have a minute or two, I wish I could do whatever the fuck I wanted, whenever I want. Every single day I feel like that."</blockquote>
Adele admits she suffered from postpartum depression, a feeling of being very inadequate, but was afraid to talk about it until she had a vulnerable, quiet moment with a friend who was also a new mom. <br />
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"One day I said to a friend, 'I fuckin' hate this,' and she just burst into tears and said, 'I fuckin' hate this too.' And it was done. [The depression] lifted."</blockquote>
When asked if she'll have another child, she said she didn't think so. Her boyfriend Simon, the father of her child, has a daughter from a previous marriage, so Adele's son already has a stepsister who is a big part of their family.<br />
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She understands that her friends without kids really don't want to sit around listening to her "chat absolute mush" about her kid, so she seeks out the company of other mothers who don't pretend child rearing is a never-ending River of Joy and who won't judge her for taking the time she needs for herself--an afternoon a week--when her son Angelo stays with the nanny, and she gets to do whatever the heck she wants!<br />
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I have to say it was refreshing to see a woman speaking honestly about her experience of motherhood. Adele is at a place in her life where she really doesn't care what you think. In the hubbub of motherhood and 43 city world tour, she often forgets to shave her legs and shaves only when she thinks the people in the front row might notice the leg stubble as she runs up the stairs to the stage. When asked if her boyfriend minds that she sometimes that neglects her personal grooming, Adele retorts, "I'll have no man telling me to shave my fuckin' legs. Shave yours!"<br />
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This rebel energy reminds me of the type of energy childfree women bring when someone suggests they should just fall in the line and have a kid, like everybody else. It takes a certain amount of courage, and a dose of "f*ck you" attitude, to stray from the conventional. Nothing about Adele is conventional and that's why we love her!<br />
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Laura S. Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11503359529542988850noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2236461450774245955.post-48553660854931987942016-05-11T12:28:00.000-07:002016-05-11T12:28:24.341-07:00Mothers Speak Out about Regret<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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The Guardian recently published this article titled <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/may/09/love-regret-mothers-wish-never-had-children-motherhood">Love and Regret</a> about mothers who wished they had never had children. The comments that follow this article reflect gratitude that we can finally talk honestly about the hardships of motherhood without trying to paper over the pain and draw a happy face.<br />
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If women can talk about post-partum depression or abortion regret without stigma, why can't women talk about regret around motherhood? These women do love their children but they don't love the role of mother. Motherhood comes wrapped up in glittery paper and a bow but often the gift of a child comes with thwarted dreams, gendered roles, health and wellness challenges, and unanticipated burdens and outcomes of all kinds.<br />
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Orna Donath, a sociologist from Israel who was decidedly childfree interviewed 23 mothers who regret having children and <a href="http://www.academia.edu/9820246/Regretting_Motherhood_A_Sociopolitical_Analysis">published her findings</a> in which she noted that while motherhood “may be a font of personal fulfillment, pleasure, love, pride, contentment and joy”, it “may simultaneously be a realm of distress, helplessness, frustration, hostility and disappointment, as well as an arena of oppression and subordination”. The women she interviewed had expressed “the wish to undo motherhood” and Donath, being a childfree social scientist, did not judge them for it but instead described their stories as the “unexplored maternal experience”.<br />
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Kudos to Donath and her study participants for their bravery and honesty!Laura S. Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11503359529542988850noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2236461450774245955.post-35590484371793500542016-03-06T11:58:00.000-08:002016-03-06T11:58:07.920-08:00An Australian Politician Advocates for the Childless/Childfree<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/9RBj57fOSVM" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
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This is my speech on childlessness; it's gone 'viral', as they say. I delivered it in the period leading up to passage of the government's 'No Jab No Pay' legislation. In it, I point out just how much taxpayers' money parents of children receive, money they ought not expect. I go on to thank the childless, who pay more tax, receive less welfare, and worse, get no thanks for their generosity.<br />
Posted by <a href="https://www.facebook.com/DavidLeyonhjelmLiberalDemocrats/">David Leyonhjelm - Liberal Democrats Senator NSW</a> on Sunday, November 22, 2015</blockquote>
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David Leyonhjelm, a Liberal Democrats Senator from New South Wales, Australia took the opportunity to speak in support of the "No Jab, No pay" (legislation that would deny government family support payments to those parents who refuse to immunize their children) to say a hearty thank you to the childfree/childless persons in Australia who generously support families through their taxes and get "No thanks for their generosity.
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When it was first released this video went viral, and I trust this video will open a dialog around appropriate uses of taxpayer dollars, and shed light on the many ways that the childless and childfree contribute to the common good.<br />
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What would you say if you had the lectern for a few minutes and could speak to the law and policy makers in your country?Laura S. Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11503359529542988850noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2236461450774245955.post-86701302976329739132016-02-28T08:04:00.000-08:002016-02-28T08:04:08.726-08:00Making a Case for Flex Time for All<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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It annoys me that many companies offer flex time for mommies but when a childless person asks for it they resist. The assumption being that if you don't have kids you are out partying or in your basement hosting swinger parties.
Let me share with you what the childfree people I interviewed for<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Two-Is-Enough-Couples-Childless/dp/1580052630" target="_blank"> Two is Enough</a> were doing when they are not at work covering for all the parents that can't work a 12 hour day.
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1) Elder care. It's no surprise the childless siblings bear the bulk of the elder care responsibilities in the U.S.A. The exception is when parents invite Mom to move in so she can babysit and do the laundry.
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2) Volunteering. The majority of the folks I interviewed had volunteered for at least one non-profit, including Big Brothers/Big Sisters, animal shelters, equine therapy programs, youth advocacy, volunteer coaching and mentoring, and other charities they were passionate about.
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3) Second jobs. Contrary to popular belief some childfree folks need to work a second job to pay school debt or just plain pay the rent. Others are entrepreneurs with start ups or artists or writers and their creative or entrepreneurial pursuits can't pay all the bills.
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4) Childcare. Yes, some childfree persons actually help care for other people's kids. I interviewed folks that were temporary guardians for kids whose parents couldn't handle them or care for them. Some took nieces and nephews on vacations and college search trips because the parents couldn't afford to travel or take off work.
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5) Recuperating from illness or injury, or caring for pets. Many childfree people complain that when parents ask for time off for a school recital or a snow day they are quickly granted the time off but when a childfree person asks for time off to go to physical therapy or a vet appointment they are denied. This is wrong!
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Jenny Noyes, a writer from Australia, make a strong case for equal opportunity for Flex Time in her article titled <a href="http://www.dailylife.com.au/news-and-views/dl-opinion/the-childfree-deserve-workplace-flexibility-too-20160224-gn30e2.html">"The childfree deserve workplace flexibility too"</a> with the astute observation that "having it all" means different things to different people. <br />
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I know from my interviews with childfree folks that they have many interests, pursuits, obligations,and responsibilities outside of work and a flexible schedule would be a welcome benefit for every working person. Flex time is a benefit that everyone appreciates and it should be offered to all. Ideally, everyone should be expected to work the number of hours they are paid for, on a schedule that allows for a life outside of work. What you do outside of your work is your own business, unless the cops or social services are knocking on your door. Laura S. Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11503359529542988850noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2236461450774245955.post-58275210679580125612015-06-10T14:44:00.002-07:002015-06-10T14:44:41.957-07:00Has Birth Control Made Us Richer and Happier?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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After reading Amanda Marcotte's recent article in Rolling Stone titled <a href="http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/news/5-ways-birth-control-has-changed-america-20150605" target="_blank">5 Ways Birth Control has Changed America</a>, I had a little gratitude moment that I was born 2 years before the birth control pill was available in America.<br />
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Had I been born even 25 years earlier things might have been very different for me. I likely would have been married at 18 or nineteen with 2 or 3 kids by my 25th birthday. I never would have gone to college, or started my own business, or travelled the world. I would likely be divorced, a single mom struggling financially. My kids would be struggling too, trying to put themselves through college, or burdened by a mountain of school debt as they try to make their way in the world.<br />
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I probably would be have found a way to be happy. I might have remarried, negotiating the step mother role in a blended family. I would be have taken pride in my children's accomplishments and my role in shaping their lives. I would like to think I would have been able find meaningful work outside the home, but the odds would have been stacked against me.<br />
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Fast forward to today and I see women in their twenties and thirties graduating college as single women, postponing marriage and child birth into their thirties, and pursuing careers that are both emotionally and financially rewarding. Most of them don't realize that it not for the pill and other reliable methods of birth control, their experience of young adulthood would be very different.<br />
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And America would be very different too. Here's how America has changed as a result of access contraception use, according to Marcotte: <br />
<br />
"A <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/03/26/birth-control-access-womens-wages_n_1380250.html" target="_blank">2012 University of Michigan study</a>
that examined women's gains over a period of decades determined that a
whopping one-third of women's wage gains from the Sixties through the
Nineties were attributable to greater access to contraception. Moreover,
they found that the earlier women started taking the pill – at age 18
instead of 21, for instance – the more money the made over a lifetime.<br />
<br />
Conversely, <a href="http://www.brookings.edu/research/papers/2011/07/unintended-pregnancy-thomas-monea" target="_blank">research on the effects of unintended childbirth</a>
shows that it is deeply detrimental to your pocketbook. Unintended
child-bearing is linked to lower participation in the job market and
higher dependency on government services. That so many Republicans would
rather see more women on welfare than condone non-procreative sex tells
you a lot about where their priorities lie.<br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>There's been a mind-boggling decline in the teen birth rate</b>. <a href="http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/wonkblog/wp/2013/04/01/most-americans-think-teen-pregnancy-is-getting-worse-most-americans-are-wrong/" target="_blank">Most people think</a>
the teen pregnancy rate has been going up lately – there's this idea
out there that kids today, with their hip-hop music and their
"revealing" clothes, are somehow less "moral" than ever and therefore
must be experiencing more unintended pregnancies. But in fact the teen
pregnancy rate has been <a href="http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/databriefs/db89.pdf" target="_blank">declining steadily</a> since the late Fifties, and is now <a href="http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/news/fullstory_152373.html" target="_blank">at an all-time low</a>. But teens aren't having less sex than they did in the Elvis Presley era. The <a href="http://www.guttmacher.org/pubs/gpr/17/3/gpr170315.html" target="_blank">main reason for the decline</a> is better contraception use, plain and simple.<br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Women's educational attainment has surged.</b> These
days, greater percentages of both men and women have college degrees
than they did in the past – but women's rate of growth has trumped men's
dramatically. In 1970, <a href="https://www.whitehouse.gov/sites/default/files/rss_viewer/Women_in_America.pdf" target="_blank">only 8 percent of women and 14 percent of men</a> were college graduates. Now, more than <a href="https://www.whitehouse.gov/sites/default/files/rss_viewer/Women_in_America.pdf" target="_blank">35 percent of women ages 24 to 35 have a college degree</a>, while fewer than 30 percent of men do.<br />
<br />
This shift can be attributed to a lot of factors – more schools
accepting women, more women seeking professional careers – but birth
control has played a huge role. It should be obvious that avoiding
unwanted pregnancies helps women complete college, but in case you're a
skeptic, <a href="https://www.guttmacher.org/pubs/social-economic-benefits.pdf" target="_blank">there's plenty of research showing</a> that in states where more unmarried women have access to contraception, more of them finish college."<br />
<br />
Are we richer and happier because of our access to birth control? Richer, for sure. Happier? Well that depends if you achieved what you wanted to achieve. But, really it depends on how you navigate your circumstances because, with kids or without kids, happiness <i>is</i> a choice.<br />
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<br />Laura S. Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11503359529542988850noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2236461450774245955.post-14222194055048567052015-04-14T06:48:00.001-07:002015-04-14T06:48:14.963-07:00A Caribbean Cruise with your Childfree friends! Group Deal extended until April 30!<h3>
<i><span style="color: blue;">We've been talking about it. Now it's finally happening!</span> </i></h3>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
A Caribbean Cruise with your Childfree friends!
Join us on Dec 5-12, 2015 for a cruise with Laura Scott and other Childfree authors on the stunning Italian cruise ship <a href="https://www.blogger.com/www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ka9ilISOwKk">MSC Divina</a> sailing from Miami, Florida! Register with your $100 deposit before April 30/15 to get this 7 day Caribbean cruise starting at only $349.00 per person, featuring exclusively childfree excursions and a day on Stirrup Cay, a private island.
for more information email:nokidcruise@gmail.com. Mention, "LAURA SCOTT sent me for info on this great deal!".
It's just 100.00 per person deposit to hold your cabin on this cruise! ALL deposits are FULLY REFUNDABLE 80 days from cruising.
Looking forward to sailing with you!
LauraLaura S. Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11503359529542988850noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2236461450774245955.post-34388510529155828352015-03-15T08:33:00.000-07:002015-03-15T08:33:00.797-07:00How the Childfree Plan for End of Life<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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What are you going to do when you get old? As much as I hate this question, I love how creative the childfree have been in their response to this. Not by words but by actions. Recently the New York Times featured <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/15/your-money/the-childless-plan-for-their-fading-days.html?_r=1" target="_blank">an article</a> about childfree women and men who had taken the appropriate steps to plan for end of life so that they could embrace their golden years without worry and stress. Here's one man's story:<br />
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<span style="color: #666666;">Bill Strubbe, 58, a travel writer and painter living in San Francisco’s East Bay, plans to leave the country. In the fall, Mr. Strubbe, who has no children and is single, is relocating to a kibbutz outside Haifa, Israel, that he has been visiting since he was 20.</span> </blockquote>
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<span style="color: #666666;">“I’ll be living among a community of people I have known all my adult life and has systems in place for care of the elderly,” he said. “Unlike the U.S.A., Israel has excellent health care for all its citizens, and that will take a big load off of my mind, knowing that I won’t be left flapping in the breeze if something happens to me.”</span> </div>
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<span style="color: #666666;">Of course, one issue facing the childless is what to do with their estates. Some establish foundations in their name or leave money to charity, said David W. Nethery, senior vice president for wealth management at Merrill Lynch in Dallas. Others bequeath money to siblings, nieces and nephews, or friends, as did Ms. Lewton.</span> </div>
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<span style="color: #666666;">In Mr. Strubbe’s ideal world, he won’t have any cash left. “Hopefully I will have used it all up,” he said. Should there be any, he said he would most likely leave it to “nieces and nephews and/or some of the children of close friends on the kibbutz.”</span> </div>
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<span style="color: #666666;">Among the stipulations, he said, he is ordering recipients not to use their inheritance “to pay bills, taxes, rent or other such mundane things, but to earmark it for taking a trip you could never afford, enrolling in an art class that was not in the budget, or do something meaningful, wild and fun.”</span></div>
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<span style="color: black;">I love this! Mr. Stubbe isn't the only who is considering communal living at the end of life and it makes sense. As a coach, I am constantly reminding my clients the importance of staying connected and building tribes, especially as we age. It's so important to our quality of life. I am thrilled to know there are role models for a happy, fulfilled, and worry free life into our seventies, eighties and beyond.</span></div>
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Laura S. Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11503359529542988850noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2236461450774245955.post-45268527958966590132015-02-15T13:40:00.000-08:002015-02-15T13:40:12.918-08:00The Challenge of Finding a Truly Childfree Man...in Africa<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I recently received an email from a 35 year old African woman from Nairobi, Kenya who wanted to share her story. I will call her “Kris” as she asked to remain anonymous. She is a good example how an “early articulator” feels and copes as she navigates in a pronatalist culture. Here’s her story: <br />
<blockquote>
I have always known I'd be childfree. I told my folks this when I was about 7 years old, and they have only just started 'believing' me about 2 years ago. My gynecologists still insist I might change my mind, so no there is no sterilization in sight. In my country there is little respect for women's reproductive choice (a woman 'knowing her mind'), even among the most educated in the medical fraternity. </blockquote>
<blockquote>
I am motivated to remain childfree by an innate knowing which has become firmer as I grow older and trust my instincts more. I have an absolute respect for motherhood, which I believe shouldn't be entered into with the slightest doubt, and I believe that nurturing and creating can be fulfilled in so, so many ways.
I am inspired by childless/childfree women and men who have consciously and creatively left their mark on the world, and on hearts. Personally, I learn from and gravitate more to nature and animals than humans. </blockquote>
<blockquote>
My 10 year partnership was on its last legs and imploded last year and my childfree stance was used as a convenient scapegoat to explain the problems. My partner had 'hidden' this decision from his parents and when I told them about it, they were shocked and totally against it.
This discussion was the first agenda in my current relationship, and it's understandably a major decision for my partner. I've engaged many enlightened men, but even the most eccentric are revolted by the idea. Proof of manhood is intrinsically tied to procreation. Procreation is so completely engrained in the social, religious, cultural and even economic life, it's barely discussed--it's assumed. I couldn't, in good conscience, deny fatherhood to a man (though I'm quite certain not many of them think deeply about the responsibility of good parenting). I've never met an African CF man. </blockquote>
<blockquote>
From personal experience, marriage for me would come with the inherent challenge of being stigmatized by my in-laws and the obligation to accept that my husband can have children by any other means (e.g. second family/polygamy). It'd take a very strong man not to cave to the sustained social pressure. I'm coming to the conclusion that marriage and civil partnership could very well be elusive, which is sad.
I revel in being slightly eccentric but I've only just started coming to terms with the implications of my decision. This could be a lonely road, but it's a reality I've accepted.
</blockquote>
I trust Kris will eventually find a man who is like-minded but it is interesting that in many communities men feel as culturally compelled to procreate as women do. When parenthood is the assumption, there is little room for the idea of personal choice in the matter of procreation. Over time, I believe this will change. I would love to hear your stories about the challenge of finding a like-minded partner. Please comment below... Laura S. Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11503359529542988850noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2236461450774245955.post-68831628537240660812015-01-13T16:00:00.000-08:002015-01-13T16:00:07.536-08:00Register Now and Join your Childfree friends on a 7 day Caribbean Cruise!<br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #00007f; font-family: Airstream; font-size: 32px;">We've been talking about it. Now it's finally happening! </span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #00007f; font-family: Airstream; font-size: 32px;"><br />
A Caribbean Cruise with your Childfree friends! </span><br />
</span><span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Arial Black;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 18px;"><strong>Join
us on Dec 5-12, 2015 for a cruise with Laura Scott and other Childfree
authors on the stunning Italian cruise ship MSC Divina sailing from
Miami, Florida! Register before March 31/15 to get this 7 day Caribbean
cruise starting at only $349.00 per person, featuring childfree
excursions and day on Stirrup Cay, a private island. <br />
<span style="font-size: 13px;">
<div dir="ltr" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1420828835728_4333">
for more information email:<a href="mailto:nokidcruise@gmail.com" target="_blank">nokidcruise@gmail.com</a>. Mention, "LAURA SCOTT sent me for info on this great deal!".</div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1420828835728_5018">
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It's just 100.00 per person to hold your cabin on this cruise! ALL deposits are FULLY REFUNDABLE 80 days from cruising.<br />
Looking forward to sailing with you!<br />
Laura<br />
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</span></strong></span></span></span></span>Laura S. Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11503359529542988850noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2236461450774245955.post-24965689983317867692015-01-08T12:33:00.000-08:002015-01-08T12:33:18.421-08:00Why Having Kids Won't Fulfill You<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisbvPSl9DKV1NWEQrlzsyZVclvwqO4MzwItay1G6vRBHuL_xE62MOWhGQ70PVRPlibuoJsE7lFf_CSDG3P48-_DW36Hpls0ZNuMqRqaiQyrKqahsvT7pTB_nem4spNAsl1OuVmveMANjM/s1600/jennifer-aniston-cover-shoot-03.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisbvPSl9DKV1NWEQrlzsyZVclvwqO4MzwItay1G6vRBHuL_xE62MOWhGQ70PVRPlibuoJsE7lFf_CSDG3P48-_DW36Hpls0ZNuMqRqaiQyrKqahsvT7pTB_nem4spNAsl1OuVmveMANjM/s1600/jennifer-aniston-cover-shoot-03.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
I was interested to find that the author of a recent Time Magazine article titled<a href="http://time.com/3640988/jennifer-aniston-woman-kids-fulfill-you/" target="_blank"> "Why Having Kids Won't Fulfill You"</a> was written by a woman who struggled and finally succeeded to have children.<br />
<br />
Her article was in response to actress Jennifer Aniston's <a href="http://www.allure.com/celebrity-trends/cover-shoot/2015/jennifer-aniston-interview#slide=3" target="_blank">recently published complaint</a> that "“I don’t like [the pressure] that people put on me, on women – that you’ve failed yourself as a female because you haven’t procreated. I don’t think it’s fair."<br />
<br />
Maria Guido, author of the Time article said when she did, eventually, have children her life did change but not in the profound ways many women imagine. Her life just got busier and more complicated. She points to her mother's experience of being a divorced single mother and her claim that her children were the only thing that gave her happiness as the reason she felt compelled to follow in her mother's footsteps. Guido notes that 40 years after the women's liberation movement, we still don't believe we can be happy without children, and she asks, "Everyone is always looking for the latent sadness, the regret. What if it’s not there?"<br />
<br />
Guido's feelings are summed up in this paragraph, which serves to reassure all childess women who might be feeling the same way as Jennifer Aniston: <br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
I never questioned my desire to have children, because I didn’t have to; I took the well-traveled road. That desire is expected of me – it’s expected of all women. It took me decades to realize that the maternal drive I carried with me my entire adult life, the one that led me to try for five years to have children, may not have been a biological imperative at all. It may just have been a program that was placed into my psyche by the repeated mantras of a woman who was let down by a man and comforted by her children. That’s okay. I love my children and I’m happy about the experiences I’ve had and the paths that have led me to this place. But if this isn’t your place—whether you’re a famous movie star or not– you didn’t take a wrong turn.</blockquote>
Guido's article reminds me that fulfillment is not found following in someone else's footsteps; fulfillment is found is found by following the beat of your own heart.Laura S. Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11503359529542988850noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2236461450774245955.post-65165695965529212612014-09-18T14:07:00.000-07:002014-09-18T14:07:00.149-07:00Unplanned pregnancies linked to birth control failures or "less than perfect" use!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgX8IxG9N6yAUfipGxP7NZcYEzNNVoSt3KOpiQhE4HyTm3FGKgo-o8U97_pJmVsdbJArT2osng8H3Nv87QUIxKlBTeH1ZAIxGpzvWLl3JFPzuPb0VRJilTMhd_f4L2jpG6FtnNFeS4Ypv0/s1600/birth+control.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgX8IxG9N6yAUfipGxP7NZcYEzNNVoSt3KOpiQhE4HyTm3FGKgo-o8U97_pJmVsdbJArT2osng8H3Nv87QUIxKlBTeH1ZAIxGpzvWLl3JFPzuPb0VRJilTMhd_f4L2jpG6FtnNFeS4Ypv0/s1600/birth+control.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></div>
Used over 10 years, with less than perfect use, most birth control methods fail!<br />
<br />
We know we are supposed to take the pill every day (or as prescribed) and use a new, well-fitting condom every time we have sex but how many of us do?<br />
<br />
Apparently very few, according to the latest data on unplanned pregnancies.<br />
<br />
In fact, used over ten years, less than "perfect" male condom use will result in an unplanned pregnancy for 86 of 100 women. The stats are even worse for ovulation method, spermicides, and withdrawal. Over 90 of one hundred women will have an unplanned pregnancy if they don't utilize these methods "perfectly" over 10 years of use. That is why they are called birth "control" methods, not birth "prevention" methods. If you don't use these methods properly and consistently, over time, the chances are very high that you will get pregnant.<br />
<br />
So, what are the most effective methods of birth control?<br />
<br />
Not surprisingly, the four most effective birth control methods are IUD's, Sterilization (male or female) and hormonal implants for females. These are not totally, 100%, effective but they are "fool" proof.<br />
<br />
If you want to take a chance on any other methods, read the instructions carefully and be extremely diligent in proper use of them. And cross your fingers!<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">Photo by <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/jennyleesilver/" target="_blank">Jenny Lee Silver</a> </span>Laura S. Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11503359529542988850noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2236461450774245955.post-11860107788509399822014-08-28T12:53:00.001-07:002014-08-28T12:53:09.521-07:00We Don't have to have a Child to Care!<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="288" mozallowfullscreen="" scrolling="no" src="http://sharetv.com/embed/824388/512/288/0" webkitallowfullscreen="" width="512"></iframe> <br />
<br />
Social Media is all a buzz over the Video clip of Jennifer Anniston puzzling over why people feel compelled to demand "When are you having kids?" as if that were the only way a woman can contribute as a human being. <br />
<br />
<br />
Commenting on this video clip, Today Show's Tamron Hall speaks about her own experience of being a mid-forties single childless woman. I could really identify with the pain around that and it is one of the reasons why I wrote the book <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Two-Is-Enough-Couples-Childless/dp/1580052630" target="_blank">"Two is Enough"</a>
<br />
<br />
The assumption that you must be devoid of caring or empathy because you haven't had the experience of birthing or raising a child is totally off the mark.<br />
<br />
<br />
I was pleased to see Tamron's co-workers on the Today Show empathize. I think they got it. Now if we could reach the rest of the world...Laura S. Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11503359529542988850noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2236461450774245955.post-25202472483369224822014-08-03T07:00:00.000-07:002014-08-03T07:00:00.412-07:00Childfree Women will be at the Forefront of a Creative, Cultural Renaissance, says Futurist<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxxNzotWXBSAQSU4SC5gHGfBzyhr3WGMab-SaogPJ77sj1SSqQeIuYeG7ncnBPNgPQfiFj_nBj6iFUEmHJPyQTg_x9t6dMUO6kjiQf_GTtlpV559Lrnyw-xpKOCbp7t2kJ_68UvjqxRvw/s1600/Popcorn-Faith.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxxNzotWXBSAQSU4SC5gHGfBzyhr3WGMab-SaogPJ77sj1SSqQeIuYeG7ncnBPNgPQfiFj_nBj6iFUEmHJPyQTg_x9t6dMUO6kjiQf_GTtlpV559Lrnyw-xpKOCbp7t2kJ_68UvjqxRvw/s1600/Popcorn-Faith.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Faith
Popcorn, a New York –based Futurist Marketing expert and author, says the
SHEvolution is coming and childfree women will be taking the lead, redefining
family, exploiting their gifts, following their passions. Here is an excerpt of
her <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/faith-popcorn/the-shevolution-is-coming_b_5620730.html" target="_blank">Huffington Post article</a>: </span><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<br />
<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-ansi-language: EN;"><i>With more opportunities in education and careers, women
are eschewing traditional family structures. The old "college, marriage,
home-ownership, then parenthood" sequence has been shaken up, turned
upside-down, and transformed. We are customizing our own life timelines to do
what satisfies us at a particular moment.</i></span><span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-ansi-language: EN;"><i> </i></span><br />
<br />
<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-ansi-language: EN;"><i>Women are opting to have kids later: The number of
children born to women 35+ has increased 150 percent, and egg-freezing is up </i><a href="http://www.businessweek.com/articles/2014-04-17/new-egg-freezing-technology-eases-womens-career-family-angst" target="_hplink"><span style="color: blue;"><i>28 percent</i></span></a><i>. Soon, egg-freezing will be a commonplace
graduation gift for young women starting their careers.</i></span><br />
<br />
<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-ansi-language: EN;"><i>Many of us are choosing not to have kids at all. The
number of women between age 40 and 44 who remain childless has doubled in a
generation. I</i><a href="http://www.cnn.com/2014/01/22/living/pregnancy-big-lie-tanya-selvaratnam-books/index.html" target="_hplink"><span style="color: blue;"><i>n 1976</i></span></a><i>, it was one out of 10; by 2006, it was one in five.
More and more women will decide that children are not for them. </i></span><br />
<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-ansi-language: EN;"><i>We call this
group Childfree by Choice or CxC. These females shatter the stereotype that not
having kids is sad, shameful or pitiable. Because they are free to spend more
time focusing on their own goals, CxC women will be at the forefront of a
cultural creative renaissance, starting more companies, leading more social
initiatives, creating newer and better solutions. They are becoming the envied
class.</i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: small;">When
my book <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Two-Is-Enough-Couples-Childless/dp/1580052630" target="_blank">Two is Enough</a> was published in 2009, there was still significant stigma
associated with childlessness, chosen or otherwise. However as more women delay or
forgo parenthood, they will be increasingly be recognized for their
contributions outside of the role of mother. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">In recent
years, Female entrepreneurs drove the economic recovery here in the U.S. as
they started new companies and grew existing ones. They continue to be in
control of the “purse strings,” but now the purse has turned into a portfolio.
Women under age 30 earn, on average, more than their male peers in the U.S. A. and
they are savvy investors. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">They bought
homes, got degrees, and were voted into office. They retired then began again,
in an “encore” career (some of them as volunteers) making a difference in their
communities and ensuring their legacy as women leaders, business people,
professionals, educators, philanthropists, humanitarians and humans BEing.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">As I always
say, in reference to the demographic we call the childfree by choice, “this is
a trend, not an aberration. This is not a ripple, this is a wave; a cultural
tsunami. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Are you going
to going to nod and take notes or are you going to get on your board and surf
this?!</span><br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
</div>
Laura S. Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11503359529542988850noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2236461450774245955.post-33846133027976726172014-07-30T12:37:00.002-07:002014-07-30T12:37:43.550-07:00Studies Don't Support Pope Francis' Opinion that Childless Folks are Destined for a Life of Loneliness <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXwsoiBqYlmZEm67eNsqCirHotkjtB9BKPVvqjK6fMWFHOw4G0e1_RGizsyWkV_0u_aveZP3Bk080bEZndVQwFV7FAlErB7XanFt8V1cA16JnYlS-_QYQNqDu2pP_1E_tjJ8zOJpVfgYc/s1600/Man+with+dog+in+church.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXwsoiBqYlmZEm67eNsqCirHotkjtB9BKPVvqjK6fMWFHOw4G0e1_RGizsyWkV_0u_aveZP3Bk080bEZndVQwFV7FAlErB7XanFt8V1cA16JnYlS-_QYQNqDu2pP_1E_tjJ8zOJpVfgYc/s1600/Man+with+dog+in+church.jpg" height="320" width="278" /></a></div>
The Two Is Enough Facebook page blew up over comments made by Pope Francis saying that couples should have kids instead of pets and vacation villas or they will be destined for a life of loneliness.<br />
<br />
<br />
"Where's my villa?!" asked some. "Why doesn't he take his own advice?" asked others. "St. Francis loved animals, why can't we!?" All legitimate responses, for sure. However, the best response came from an <a href="http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2014/06/06/pope-francis-is-wrong-about-my-child-free-life.html" target="_blank">excellent article</a> from Amanda Marcotte writing for the Daily Beast which makes the very strong case that Pope Francis' assumptions about a childfree life just don't hold up under scrutiny.<br />
<br />
<br />
Here's an excerpt: <br />
My first instinct, as a deliberately childless person myself, upon reading Pope Francis’s remarks was to think, “If you think having children is so important, then why don’t you go first?” But while sarcasm is a satisfying hobby, it’s perhaps better to look to empirical science to answer the question of whether or not it’s actually true that childless people will be punished with loveless marriages and age into loneliness.<br />
Luckily, there’s been a lot of research into both those questions. In fact, the question of whether or not having kids makes marriages happier or not is one that has been <a href="http://www.babble.com/mom/parenthood-and-happiness-children-happy-parents/" sl-processed="1" target="_blank">looked at again and again</a>, to the point where you start to wonder if they’re trying to get a different result this time. The answer keeps coming back the same: Childless couples have happier marriages, on average.<br />
Or, to be more specific, studies that measure the day-to-day satisfaction of parents shows that <a href="http://ernohannink.com/unexpected-tips-happiness/" sl-processed="1" target="_blank">satisfaction with your marriage</a> starts to decline rapidly when you have your first baby, goes up and down with the stresses of child-rearing (with a particular low point around adolescence), but it stays relatively low, only rising again after the kids move out of the house. The daily grind of child-rearing and the stress of sharing responsibility seem to be a big part of it. That may <a href="http://nymag.com/news/features/67024/index1.html#print" sl-processed="1" target="_blank">explain why mothers are less happy than fathers</a>. After all, <a href="http://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2013/10/08/parents-time-with-kids-more-rewarding-than-paid-work-and-more-exhausting/" sl-processed="1" target="_blank">they spend more of their time with the children</a>.<br />
And, on the loneliness question, Marcotte writes: <br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Nor is it true that childless people are doomed, as the pope warned, to be lonely and sad in their old age. A <a href="http://news.ufl.edu/2003/04/17/childlessness/" sl-processed="1" target="_blank">2003 study that looked specifically at this question</a> found that having children was no guarantee against loneliness in old age. After surveying nearly 4,000 people ages 50 to 84, researchers found no difference in the loneliness rates of people with children and people without children. Common sense should suggest the same. Relying on a phone call a week from your kids is hardly a panacea for loneliness. Non-lonely seniors are usually the ones with plenty of friends, and being able to make friends isn’t dependent on your status as a parent or not.</blockquote>
<br />
I have reported on most of these studies, and more, on this blog, so if you still aren't convinced that childfree people report greater happiness and well-being than their peers with children, just dig a bit deeper in the archives of this blog. <br />
<br />
<br />
And if you want children, that's good. You can still be happy if you choose and BONUS! you will have the blessing of the Pope.<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>Laura S. Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11503359529542988850noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2236461450774245955.post-20880409254346663532014-06-09T09:04:00.000-07:002014-06-09T09:04:43.192-07:00Whose Side Are You On?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmxKIITLjhHNk3QfZVT1XQOiMq0pIZINDsXyvVgZd-E4RGnDz7UJnHBtkv588imyd2ZIZ9q9fuC9K-plVof1vnCBccDvNDitPvBmP557fKjFFmeCQq4FGB0xaGSk0_fDbpoA4ZrYhPl28/s1600/melanie+and+daughter+edited.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmxKIITLjhHNk3QfZVT1XQOiMq0pIZINDsXyvVgZd-E4RGnDz7UJnHBtkv588imyd2ZIZ9q9fuC9K-plVof1vnCBccDvNDitPvBmP557fKjFFmeCQq4FGB0xaGSk0_fDbpoA4ZrYhPl28/s1600/melanie+and+daughter+edited.jpg" height="320" width="276" /></a></div>
Our Guest Blogger, Melanie Holmes, offers her perspective as a mother
who chooses to respect a woman's choices rather than pick sides. Holmes
writes:<br />
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">Beyoncé
is not “feminist enough.” </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">bell
hooks is “too feminist.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">Some
women are not “mom enough” because they don’t wear their babies, breastfeed, or
co‑sleep.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">Others
are not “woman enough” because they don’t want motherhood.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">When
are we going to refrain from trying to define what “fulfilled” or “happy” looks
like for each other?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">I
am a mother of a teenage daughter whose life is spread out before her, and I
absolutely refuse to define “happiness” for her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">Happiness
is subjective.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Calista</span><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=2236461450774245955#_edn1" name="_ednref1" style="mso-endnote-id: edn1;" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="font-family: Symbol; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-char-type: symbol; mso-hansi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-symbol-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-char-type: symbol; mso-symbol-font-family: Symbol;">*</span></span></span></a><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;"> always dreamed
of being a teacher.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What she didn’t
dream of was being a mom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Calista
doesn’t volunteer her thoughts on this topic because she feels embarrassed by
the reactions she receives. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Knowing I’m
a mother who believes in the right of every woman to decide if motherhood is
the right path, Calista remarked, “I’m so glad there are people like you on our
side.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">Because
of my refusal to espouse one side or the other, the book I’ve been writing for
three years was passed over by a major publisher who thought I needed to pick a
side.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, that would defeat my
entire thesis, which is:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We need to
equip females with the facts and then give them the freedom to decide if they
want motherhood.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What makes my voice
unique is that I am a mom.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">Often,
women who are moms espouse sentiments such as, “My life was meaningless until I
became a mom.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But do women really mean
this or are they gushing about the love they feel for their children? </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">I
have interviewed/polled 200 women, mostly in the U.S. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Overwhelmingly, women hold assumptions about
other women – that down deep, women who aren’t moms miss out on the
quintessential female experience.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But
assumptions are discrete from words.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Only half the moms said they would cajole their daughters toward motherhood
if they heard ambivalence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The other
half said they would respect their daughters’ journey.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One mom said, “Motherhood is too personal a
choice for me to interfere.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">Dating
to the 18<sup>th</sup> century, mothers have fought for women’s rights, such as
Mary Wollstonecraft and Charlotte Perkins Gillman.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Harriet Beecher Stowe said, “I wrote what I
did because as a woman, as a mother, I was…broken-hearted with the…injustice I
saw.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She was referring to the slave
trade, and babies torn from their mothers’ arms.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>20<sup>th</sup>-century activist Tillie Olsen
spoke out against the silencing of voices of those disadvantaged by gender,
class and race.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">Madelyn
Cain joined her voice to Wollstonecraft, Perkins, Stowe, and Olsen by writing <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Childless Revolution</i> in 2001.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Cain shed a light on the realities of 21<sup>st</sup>
century women who are <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">not</i> mothers ‑‑
that they are not selfish people living empty loveless lives.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">Words
matter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And it matters who says the
words.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">I
add my name to the list of mothers who wish to speak up for women’s rights as a
way of paving a smoother road for their daughters.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>By fighting for justice for all women, my
daughter will benefit.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">My
husband and I are cautious of the scripts we use.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Rather than saying to our daughter, “When you
have a child…” we say, “<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">If</i></b> you ever have a child…”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want her to hear the things I <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">never</i> considered while growing into the
woman that I am.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is not to say that
I regret being a mom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But that’s my
journey.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And it may not be my
daughter’s.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After all, she’s only 16.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">As
women come to grips with how much the world has changed over the past few
decades, they also need to come to grips with each other.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is not dodge ball.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We shouldn’t divvy up sides.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As women, we should all be on the same side.</span></div>
<div style="mso-element: endnote-list;">
<br />
<hr align="left" size="1" width="33%" />
<div id="edn1" style="mso-element: endnote;">
<div class="MsoEndnoteText">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=2236461450774245955#_ednref1" name="_edn1" style="mso-endnote-id: edn1;" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-char-type: symbol; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-symbol-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-char-type: symbol; mso-symbol-font-family: Symbol;">*</span></span></span></a> Name has been
changed.<br />
<br />
<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Photo Credit: R.L. Holmes</span></div>
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Laura S. Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11503359529542988850noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2236461450774245955.post-2593975266854160712014-05-19T08:10:00.001-07:002014-05-19T08:12:24.307-07:00Over 40 and No Regrets!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkLQ8NshngINp5CuWmI6rZabuTp_5m8Xx-CmteWPn_gSUhN7Unimw6hO6Q3uZqd4mNjAx7FKS6RqfoenwZq_a7ZnTSmg7lfp644zbCZ_M2scJN2naoaeKpORFvdz4gqqpwpADo_QgQK_I/s1600/older+couple+on+beach.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkLQ8NshngINp5CuWmI6rZabuTp_5m8Xx-CmteWPn_gSUhN7Unimw6hO6Q3uZqd4mNjAx7FKS6RqfoenwZq_a7ZnTSmg7lfp644zbCZ_M2scJN2naoaeKpORFvdz4gqqpwpADo_QgQK_I/s1600/older+couple+on+beach.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></div>
They said you would change your mind. They said when you got older you would regret it. <br />
This is what we childfree folks hear all the time but studies and anecdotal evidence, including my original research for the <a href="http://www.childlessbychoiceproject.com/" target="_blank">Childless by Choice Project</a>, tells a different story. <br />
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<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Like the experience of this over-40 couple living in Canada, where the majority of married couples live in "child-free" households. Here is what Barbara Fletcher, a happily-married childfree woman, <a href="http://www.ozy.com/c-notes/a-happy-marriage-without-kids/31043.article?utm_source=SK_outreach&utm_medium=email_outreach&utm_campaign=email_outreach" target="_blank">writing for YZ</a>, had to say: </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
It’s a tough thing to say out loud: I’m a happy non-mom. I grew up in an era where life’s end goal was to find wedded bliss and have a family, and an awkward procreation question can still surface when meeting new people at parties. Being a non-mom can feel peculiar when 99 percent of your friends are parents — and really great ones: the kind of attentive, loving moms and dads who pour all of their energy into making their children’s lives enriched and, well, pretty damned amazing. </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
I suspect that I’m the kind of person that married parents might not want to hear about: married, on the other side of 40, childless and <i>happy</i> . Not happy because I am childless, but happy in my childless life. </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Being happy is largely a choice we make as we make conscious decisions about what we do or think. Happiness is not conditional on the number of children you bring into the world. </blockquote>
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Unless you make it so...<br />
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<br />Laura S. Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11503359529542988850noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2236461450774245955.post-71803708733931419872014-02-10T13:35:00.002-08:002014-02-10T13:35:43.450-08:00"Not a Mother" Mindfulness<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Last month a received an email from Maaike, a woman from the Netherlands who shared one of her blog posts with me.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I was very impressed and touched by the way she honored her decision not to have children. I will share an excerpt here and invite you to <a href="http://maaikeswritersblog.blogspot.nl/2013/12/motheraltarmoederaltaar.html" target="_blank">click here</a> to see the whole post:</span></span></span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: black;"><span lang="EN-US" style="color: #444444; font-style: normal; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-style: italic; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><span style="color: black;">"Everywhere I go, everywhere I am, I set up altars for the woman in me who will not be with child and will not give birth to a child. A choice. My choice. Every day I take a little bow to this choice and to the woman that I am today. And every day I check with myself if this choice still feels right, making sure that this is my path - that this is my life I need and want to live. Then I take a deep look in my husband’s eyes – he is inextricably linked to the choice that I made – and I know it’s right. I won’t wake up one day regretting this choice and blame him or myself for it.</span> </span><br /> "Honoring the importance of this choice I decided to <i><span lang="EN-US" style="font-style: normal; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-style: italic; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">make this choice every single day all over again. But it is since a little while that it feels different. It's</span></i><i><span lang="EN-US" style="font-style: normal; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-style: italic; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"> not <b><i>just</i></b> a choice anymore. It's changed into the realization that I will not become a mother for sure. Not only because it's my choice, but also because I am a woman of 39 and I truly feel that I am too old to become a mother. </span></i><i><span lang="EN-US" style="font-style: normal; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-style: italic; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">After losing a close friend earlier this year – this new awareness hit me really hard. </span></i></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: black;"><i><span lang="EN-US" style="font-style: normal; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-style: italic; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">"I share all of this with you my fellow sister, because I need you and other women to read this - to know this. This is important. Choosing to become a mother is a choice for the rest of your life but so is the choice to not become a mother. Regret is too high a price to pay - either way."</span></i></span></span></span></span></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: black;"><i><span lang="EN-US" style="font-style: normal; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-style: italic; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">I, too, reaffirm my decision not to have children even though that option for me is past. It feels good to check in with myself again, and again, and know it still is the right decision for me. How about you?</span></i></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: black;"><i><span lang="EN-US" style="font-style: normal; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-style: italic; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><br /></span></i></span></span></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: black;"><i><span lang="EN-US" style="font-style: normal; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-style: italic; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><br /></span></i></span></span></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: black;"><i><span lang="EN-US" style="font-style: normal; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-style: italic; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><br /></span></i></span></span></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: black;"><br /><i><span lang="EN-US" style="font-style: normal; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-style: italic; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"></span></i></span></span></span></span>Laura S. Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11503359529542988850noreply@blogger.com8