My Kids Don't Make Me Happy

I have to give Kudos! to Matt Walsh, a Canadian blogger and father of twins for writing this post My Kids Don't Make Me Happy

As a life and leadership coach who specializes in decision-making (including reproductive), I always say "One choice or the other will not make you happy. Happiness is a choice."
Matt made this point: 

My kids don't make my happiness. That isn't their job. My happiness isn't a responsibility that falls on their tiny little shoulders. Kids come into this world helpless, naked and needing, yet so many of us immediately shove them into the Happiness Factory and bark commands. "Get on the assembly line and build me some happiness! Quick! Do your duty, sir!" This is precisely why many mommies and daddies are NOT very happy people. Many are lost, confused and disappointed. They are anything but happy because they were fooled into thinking that they didn't conceive a human -- they conceived a little happiness generator. They were fooled, in many instances, by parents who know better.

Yeah, you have heard those parents. I call them the parenthood lobbyists. They say "it's the best thing..." or "You are missing out..." but they are only telling part of the story. The trick is to tune the lobbyists out and focus on what you really want and what your partner really wants. Then, whatever you choose, whatever the outcome, you can still choose to be happy.

Mother Speaks About Her Regret Over Agreeing to Have Two Children She Didn’t Want

Because the source is the UK's Daily Mail, I am not sure this "first person account" attributed to Isabella Dutton is entirely true as they have a tendency at this paper to misquote for effect. However, this article is making the rounds of the childfree blogs and creating quite a stir. Sure, some of us love it because it validates our decision to remain childfree and makes up for all the times we have been told "You will regret not having kids."

Yet, somehow I can't take any pleasure from this. The life and reproductive decision making coach part of me just wishes this woman would have had the help and support of a coach. The residual guilt, regret, and the assumption of parenthood is evident and it's clear these emotions and assumptions influenced her decision making.

Here's the opening paragraph of this article:

My son Stuart was five days old when the realisation hit me like a physical blow: having a child had been the biggest mistake of my life.

Even now, 33 years on, I can still picture the scene: Stuart was asleep in his crib. He was due to be fed but hadn't yet woken.

I heard him stir but as I looked at his round face on the brink of wakefulness, I felt no bond. No warm rush of maternal affection.

I felt completely detached from this alien being who had encroached upon my settled married life and changed it, irrevocably, for the worse.

When she tells her husband she has is sorry she had given birth to her infant son, He just said, “Well we have him now. There's nothing we can do about it. You just have to get on with it as best you can.”

It’s hard to read this article without wincing. And if you scroll down and read the comments many of them are brutal. I feel bad and sad that this woman agreed to have two children she clearly didn’t want out of a sense of obligation and guilt. I admire her because, despite her aversion to the role of parent, she fulfilled her duties as mother as best she could. I admire her honesty too.

I wish this 57-year-old woman would have had the support and courage to say “No” back then. She would have been happier, she wouldn't have to live with these terrible feelings, and she likely would have experienced the "peace" she so longed for. Her daughter Jo, 31, has chosen not to have kids. She has MS and is being cared for by her parents, and I understand that even without her debilitating illness she would be inclined to make this choice for herself.

Because she can.